You Are Not An Object To Be Used: Why Men Use You and How to Protect Your Mind and Heart

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Sis, I need to say this plainly: not every man you meet is looking for love or marriage (even if they say they are).

I dated a guy like this who initially said he was looking for “a wife.” But time quickly revealed that he was not actually looking for a partner. He was looking for someone who would be there to meet his emotional needs whenever he had them.

Some guys you date are only looking for access. Access to:

• Your time,
• Your energy,
• Your body, or
• Your resources.

So this is gonna sound nerdy, but stay with me. I promise that once you understand this, it will help you make sense of that guy’s behavior. In psychology, there’s something called object relations theory. This explains that people often carry patterns of relating from childhood into adulthood.

So, in other words, a man’s blueprint for loving you is based on how he was loved (or not loved) by his own parents. Same thing goes for you too!

If a boy grew up with neglect, rejection, or inconsistent love, he may grow into a man who unconsciously sees people not as whole individuals, but as objects to meet his unmet needs.

So if you’re not discerning, the object he’ll be using next is YOU! So for example,

• Did he receive conditional love growing up? If he learned that affection was conditional, he may chase you only for validation.
• Was he treated like he was trash or unimportant? If he felt unseen or unworthy, he may try to “collect” you and other women to validate his ego and boost his status. And if you have a great job or are a working professional? Even better! You’re the perfect “trophy.”
• Did his family chronically abandon him? If he learned that people are disposable, he may use you up until his needs shift and then he moves on to the next victim girl.

If a boy grew up with neglect, rejection, or inconsistent love, he may grow into a man who unconsciously sees people as objects to meet his unmet needs. So if you're not discerning, the object he'll be using next is YOU!… Share on X

This is why some men in the dating pool treat you like a “part-object.” They don’t see your whole self: your faith, dreams, personality, or worth/value.

They only see what you can provide in the moment: sex, admiration, attention, comfort, or even financial support. And the minute you’re not doing that, they bounce!

This is also how you can end up giving a man 5, 10, and even more years, never get married, and then watch him run off and marry the next chick.

Some men in the dating pool treat you like a “part-object.” They don’t see your whole self. They only see what you can provide in the moment: sex, admiration, attention, comfort, or financial support. The minute you're not doing… Share on X

And sis, let’s be real: this isn’t new. Proverbs 7 paints the picture of the seductress who uses her body to lure a young man into destruction, but the reverse is just as real.

There are men who operate with the same mindset: using charm, manipulation, and sexuality to get what they want.

But remember this: you are not a commodity. You are not a product. You are not just a body. You are a daughter of the King, and anyone who sees you as less than that is not safe for your heart, mind, or body.

Proverbs 7 paints the picture of the seductress who uses her body to lure a young man into destruction, but the reverse is just as real. Some men operate with the same mindset: using charm, manipulation, and sexuality to get what… Share on X

God’s Boundaries Are for Your Freedom

The world paints God’s rules as chains or tight restrictions meant to keep you from “living your best life.” But Scripture tells a different story.

Psalm 84:11 reminds us, “No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” In other words, God isn’t trying to keep you from joy. He’s trying to lead you to it in the safest, most fulfilling way possible.

Sis, you are not a commodity. You are not a product. You are not just a body. You are a daughter of the King, and anyone who sees you as less than that is not safe for your heart, mind, or body. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

Think about it this way. I once heard Dr. Tony Evans describe how fire in a fireplace is beautiful. It warms, it comforts, it sets the mood. But fire outside the fireplace? On the carpet, in the middle of the living room? That same fire becomes destructive.

So he noted that sex works the same way. Inside the covenant of marriage, it’s powerful, unifying, and life-giving. Outside of it, it can burn everything down: your peace, your health, your future hopes and dreams.

The truth you need to cling to

God doesn’t withhold sex to rob you. He withholds it outside of marriage so that when you do experience it within a godly marriage, it’s covered in safety, trust, and blessing.

In that context, you:

• Don’t have to worry if he’ll leave tomorrow.
• Don’t have to wonder if you’re “enough.”
• Don’t have to carry shame or regret.

Instead, you can explore, delight, and grow together with your husband, knowing he has vowed before God and man to love, cherish, and protect you for life.

Practicing abstinence isn’t an act of bondage or submitting to the patriarchy. It’s an act of freedom. Real freedom is not the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want; it’s the ability to enjoy God’s gifts without the heavy baggage of sin and regret.

Galatians 5:1 puts it beautifully: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

Abstinence isn't an act of bondage or submitting to the patriarchy. It's an act of freedom. Real freedom is not the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want; it’s the ability to enjoy God’s gifts without the heavy baggage… Share on X

God’s boundaries aren’t bars on a cage. They’re guardrails on a mountain road, keeping you from plunging into valleys of heartache and leading you safely to breathtaking views you wouldn’t safely reach otherwise.

Why Boundaries Protect Both You and Your Relationships

Sis, boundaries aren’t just about protecting you. They also safeguard the relationships you build.

Think of them like fences around a garden. They don’t exist to keep the flowers from blooming; they exist to keep weeds and predators out so the flowers can thrive.

God’s boundaries aren’t bars on a cage. They’re guardrails on a mountain road, keeping you from plunging into valleys of heartache and leading you safely to breathtaking views you wouldn’t safely reach otherwise. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

When you honor God’s boundaries around sex and intimacy, several beautiful things happen:

• Your Heart Stays Guarded – Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Boundaries give you space to discern whether a man truly loves you for you, not just for what you can give him.

• Your Mind Stays Clear – Without the fog of sexual soul ties, you can evaluate a man’s character, values, and long-term intentions with clarity. You’re less likely to excuse red flags or minimize harmful behavior.

• Your Walk With God Stays Steady – Living within God’s design allows you to experience His peace and closeness, rather than the guilt or shame that can come with crossing lines.

• Your Relationships Gain Respect – A man who honors your boundaries proves he values you as a whole person, not as an object. That kind of respect builds trust—the foundation of lasting love.

• Your Future Marriage Gets a Head Start – By waiting, you set the stage for intimacy that’s untainted by comparisons, regrets, or emotional baggage. You’re giving your future marriage the best chance to flourish in joy and freedom.

God’s boundaries are never about deprivation. They’re about creating the safest possible environment for love to grow, without fear, games, or confusion.

When you walk in God’s ways, you’re not just protecting yourself. Sis, you’re also protecting the future of your relationships.

What a Godly Man Really Wants

Let’s be blunt: if a guy is pressuring you for sex or “tricks” before marriage, that’s a red flag the size of Texas. A man who truly loves you won’t ask you to compromise your faith.

Culture tells us that men want the biggest “wow factor” in the bedroom. But let’s set the record straight: a godly man is built differently.

• He wants character. Proverbs 31:10 says, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” A man who walks with God values honesty, kindness, patience, and faith more than external show.
• He wants partnership. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” A godly man wants a teammate, not a toy. He desires a woman who can pray with him, dream with him, and walk through life’s storms with him.
• He wants inner beauty. 1 Peter 3:3–4 reminds us that true beauty is “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” A godly man will be drawn to your spirit — your peace, your faith, your strength in Christ.
• He wants commitment. Real love isn’t about performance — it’s about promise. Ephesians 5:25 commands husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” A godly man doesn’t want quick thrills; he wants the joy of lifelong love.

When you meet a man like this, you’ll notice a few things:

• He doesn’t pressure you to cross boundaries.
• He doesn’t measure your value by your body/sexual prowess.
• He doesn’t compare you to the world’s standards.
• Instead, he calls out the best in you because he sees you as God does.

1 Peter 3:3–4 reminds us: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment… rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

The right man will love you inside and out — your heart, your faith, your quirks, your dreams. Don’t forget:

• Looks fade.
• Tricks get old.
• But love built on Christ endures.

How can you distinguish between a godly man and a carnal one? Check out part 1 here and part 3 here!

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