A guy once asked me out for tacos.
We’d been texting for a week or so. And while he had occasionally been a little spotty in his responses, I was cautiously excited to see if there was any potential there.
So when he said “let’s do Taco Tuesday,” I was looking forward to finally meeting him in person and seeing whether there was actually any potential.
Except there was one tiny problem.
By the time Tuesday rolled around, I still didn’t know where we were going or what time we were meeting. Messaging him didn’t matter as he had seemingly disappeared into thin air.
Tuesday morning came.
Then Tuesday afternoon.
Then Tuesday evening.
And eventually, I watched Taco Tuesday roll right on by like any other Tuesday.
No call. No text. No “Hey, work is crazy today! Can we reschedule?” Nothing.
Surprise!
Then Wednesday morning, guess who popped up?
Yep. Him.
He explained that work had gotten so busy that he’d gotten bogged down and never had the chance to get back to me. And no, there was no apology.
Then he suggested we could always do Taco Tuesday next week.
I told him I was sorry things had gotten so hectic with his business and that I hoped things lightened up for him. But then I also shared I was no longer interested in going out.
When You Run Out of Chances
So here’s the thing: I can understand things coming up. I’m a very flexible person. Had he texted and said, “Today got crazy. Can we reschedule?” I would’ve understood.
But that’s not what happened. He made plans with me and then disappeared. And after years of making excuses for guys not following through on what they had said, that didn’t sit well with me.
Apparently, my response didn’t sit well with him either, because that’s when I got introduced to his alter ego.
Suddenly, he was telling me how I couldn’t possibly understand the burden on his shoulders because he owned a business and had so much responsibility on his plate and yada, yada, yada.
What he didn’t know was that I was also a business owner. And while he was monologuing, I felt absolutely no need to tell him that.
When he finally finished his tirade, I calmly told him my stance remained the same and wished him all the best.
Needless to say, that didn’t go over particularly well either.
But the encounter reminded me of something I wish I’d understood much earlier in dating:
You don’t have to keep making excuses for his behavior that keeps disappointing you.
How Many Excuses Have You Made for Him?
One of the biggest mistakes I made as a younger woman was constantly explaining men’s behavior for them.
I could give a man a second chance, and a third, and a fourth. And if we’re being completely transparent, sometimes I’d find my way to chance number ten.
Why?
Because I wanted to believe that if the circumstances were just a little different, he would eventually do the right thing.
- Maybe he’s busy.
- Maybe he’s stressed.
- Maybe he’s afraid of getting hurt.
- Maybe he’s never had a healthy relationship.
- Maybe his ex really did traumatize him.
- Maybe he doesn’t know how to communicate.
- Maybe he’s overwhelmed at work.
- Maybe he’s not a big texter.
- Maybe he likes me but doesn’t know how to show it.
- Maybe he’s just going through a difficult season.
And listen, sometimes one of those things may actually be true.
People get overwhelmed. Work gets crazy. Phones die. Emergencies happen. People make mistakes.
The issue isn’t expecting perfection.
The issue is when you repeatedly use circumstances to explain away a pattern.
At some point, you’ve got to stop filling in the blanks with explanations that make his behavior easier for you to accept.
Behavior Is a Language
You can learn a lot about someone by listening to what he says. But you can learn even more by watching what he consistently does.
A man can tell you:
- “I really like you.”
- “I’m serious about you.”
- “I’ve never felt this way before.”
- “I want a future with you.”
- “I’ve just been really busy.”
But eventually, there’s another question you have to ask:
What do his actions say?
You can learn a lot about someone by listening to what he says. But you can learn even more by watching what he consistently does. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X1 John 3:18 gives us a principle worth remembering: love isn’t merely something expressed through words; its truth is demonstrated through actions.
That’s bigger than dating, of course, but the principle matters here.
Words matter.
Behavior gives words credibility.
Watch What a Man Makes Time For
Have you ever watched a man who’s passionate about football?
The game starts at 8:20 p.m.?
Somehow his schedule has been cleared by 8:00 p.m.
He’s got the TV on, food ordered, and the boys’ group chat activated.
If his favorite team is actually playing nearby, he might spend hundreds (if not thousands!) of dollars and rearrange an entire weekend to be there.
Or take a man who loves gaming.
He can work all day, come home exhausted, turn down all of your ideas for a date night, and somehow discover three previously unavailable hours to spend on an Xbox or PlayStation.
Why?
Because people tend to make room for what matters to them.
That’s true for you too.
When you care deeply about something, you prioritize it. You plan around it. You remember it. You make sacrifices for it.
That doesn’t mean a man who’s interested in you will always be available. It doesn’t mean he’ll respond instantly to every text or never need to reschedule.
It means genuine interest normally produces some form of intentionality.
If he’s busy, he communicates.
If plans have to change, he lets you know.
If he can’t see you Tuesday, he tries for Thursday.
If something prevents him from following through, he doesn’t simply leave you wondering what happened and then expect you to pretend it didn’t matter.
A Godly Man Shouldn’t Want You Constantly Guessing
There’s another reason I think this matters so much for Christian women.
Character matters.
Reliability matters.
Consider the warning in Proverbs 25:19, which compares depending on an unreliable person to relying on something that fails you when you need it.
Dating gives you an opportunity to observe whether someone’s words can be trusted. Which ultimately means can he be trusted?
Not whether he’s perfect.
Whether he’s trustworthy.
- Does he do what he says he’ll do?
- Does he communicate when circumstances change?
- Does he take responsibility when he drops the ball?
- Can you express disappointment without him attacking you, blaming you or demanding that you lower your expectations?
Those things matter.
Because one day, the issue won’t be Taco Tuesday. It may be money. Children. Illness. Family responsibilities. Marriage. Ministry. Major decisions.
You’re not simply looking for someone who can plan tacos. You’re paying attention to character.
Pay Attention to the Fruit
Jesus taught in Matthew 7:16 that people can be recognized by their fruit, the observable results of what is within them.
That’s an important dating principle too.
Don’t become so captivated by someone’s potential that you stop examining his fruit.
Don’t date the man you’re convinced he could become if everything finally falls into place.
Pay attention to the man standing in front of you now.
And please don’t confuse this with expecting a flawless man.
You aren’t flawless either. Grace is necessary in every healthy relationship. But grace and discernment aren’t enemies.
- You can extend grace when someone makes a mistake and still notice how he handles that mistake.
- You can understand that he’s busy and still expect communication.
- You can believe his circumstances are difficult without accepting disrespect.
- You can forgive someone and still decide he’s not the man for you.
Stop Arguing With the Evidence
Sometimes you don’t need another conversation analyzing what he meant. Oftentimes, his behavior is giving you information.
Listen to it.
If his words tell you you’re important but his behavior repeatedly tells you you’re optional, pay attention.
If he says he’s serious but continually behaves casually, pay attention.
If he says he respects you but becomes disrespectful whenever you establish a boundary, pay attention.
And if a man repeatedly tells you through his behavior that he doesn’t have the capacity, willingness or desire to show up the way you need him to, believe what you’re seeing.
You don’t have to hate him, call him a bad person, or decide that he doesn’t care about you at all.
You may simply need to recognize:
What he’s offering isn’t enough for the relationship you want.
And sometimes, instead of making another excuse for him, you simply need to listen and move on.
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