In my last post, I talked about why the right friendships can be incredibly valuable when you’re dating.
A good friend can sometimes see things you can’t see because she isn’t caught up in the emotions of the relationship.
- She knows you.
- She knows your patterns.
- She knows when you’re acting differently.
And because she isn’t the one staring into his big, beautiful, brown eyes while he explains why he disappeared for three days, she may be able to evaluate the situation a little more objectively than you can. Just a little. 🙃
But there’s another side to this conversation.
What if your friend is wrong?
Because while the right friend can help you avoid a terrible relationship, the wrong friend can potentially talk you into the wrong one…or out of a perfectly good one.
And that’s why not everybody in your life should automatically get a say in your love life.
1. She Confuses Her Preferences With Your Standards
Maybe she prefers men who are 6’2″ and up.
Maybe she loves luxury cars.
Maybe she wants a man with a certain career.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with having preferences. The problem begins when your friend starts treating her preferences like your requirements.
Suddenly you’re hearing:
- “You’re really going to date him? He’s only 5’8″? You want to have short kids?!”
- “You can do better than that. The man drives a Honda. A Honda!”
- “He works where?”
Meanwhile, the man may be kind. Responsible. Emotionally mature/intelligent. Consistent. Hardworking. God-fearing. Compatible with you. Plus he’s interested in building the kind of marriage you actually want.
But you’ve started questioning him because your friend wouldn’t personally date him.
Here’s something important to remember:
Your friend doesn’t have to want the man you’re dating.
You do.
2. She Encourages You to Reject Men Over Superficial Things
There’s a difference between having standards and developing a dating checklist so specific that almost nobody could survive it.
Sometimes a friend can unintentionally encourage the latter.
Maybe you tell her he’s a great conversationalist, but she wants to know how much money he makes.
Maybe you tell her he’s respectful and consistent, but she’s focused on whether his clothed matches.
And before long, you’re evaluating men based on things that may have very little to do with whether they could actually become good husbands.
And to be clear, that doesn’t mean some of these doesn’t matter.
It means you need to know the difference between something that matters deeply to the life you want to build and something you’ve been taught to care about because it sounds or looks impressive.
3. She Sees Serious Problems and Says Nothing
Then there’s the opposite kind of dangerous friend.
She sees everything. And says absolutely nothing.
She sees red flags waving like she’s standing outside a car dealership.
But she keeps quiet.
Why?
- Maybe she doesn’t want you to get mad.
- Maybe she doesn’t want you to stop talking to her.
- Maybe you’ve made it very clear that you don’t want anyone criticizing your relationship.
- Maybe she thinks you’re going to do whatever you want anyway.
And I understand why speaking up can feel risky. Telling someone you have concerns about the person she loves isn’t easy.
But true friendship can’t only mean telling you whatever preserves the relationship between the two of you. Sometimes love requires truth.
I once heard a saying that stuck with me: People who tell you the truth are trying to protect you. People who lie to you are trying to protect themselves.
That’s a principle worth remembering…
Silence protects the friendship…but truth protects the friend.
4. She Agrees With Everything You Say
You call her after an argument.
“He’s terrible.”
“Girl, yes!”
The next morning, you call her back.
“You know I think I was being defensive.”
“Yeah, you were kind of doing too much.”
Three days later:
“I think I’m done.”
“Well if you miss this bus you can always catch the next one!”
Come on! At some point, you need to ask yourself do you have a friend or do you have a built-in cosigner!
A wise friend isn’t just there to cosign whatever emotion you’re experiencing at the moment. Sometimes she should say:
“I understand why you’re upset, but I don’t think what he did was necessarily malicious.”
Or:
“I love you, but I think you’re projecting something your ex did onto this man.”
Good counsel isn’t the same thing as agreement.
Proverbs 27:9 describes heartfelt counsel from a friend as something valuable and sweet.
Counsel can confirm you but counsel should also be willing to challenge you.
5. She Encourages Your Worst Dating Habits
Maybe you tend to cut people off too quickly. Your friend says: “BLOCK HIM.”
Maybe you ignore obvious red flags, and your friends says, “Give him another chance.”
Maybe you struggle with boundaries.
Your friend says, “Girl, just go over there.”
Your friendships can either interrupt unhealthy patterns or reinforce them.
The friend you need may be someone who can gently pull you away from your natural extreme. Not someone who pushes you further into it.
6. Her Advice Comes From Her Own Unhealed Wounds
Sometimes your friend genuinely loves you but her advice is still being filtered through her experiences.
Maybe her ex cheated on her, so now every man is suspicious.
Maybe she had a controlling boyfriend, so any request for compromise sounds controlling.
Maybe she’s deeply disappointed in her own dating life, and become cynical.
This doesn’t make her a bad person, but it does mean you need discernment.
Everyone gives advice through some kind of lens. You do too.
The question is whether your friend’s lens is clear enough for her to help you see your situation accurately.
7. She Can’t Celebrate Your Relationship Without Competing With It
Pay attention to what happens when something good begins happening for you.
Does she celebrate? Or does the atmosphere change?
You tell her you met somebody, she criticizes him.
You tell her he planned a beautiful date, and she minimizes it.
Now I’m not saying that you should label every friend who asks a difficult question a “hater.” But jealousy does exist.
James 3:16 warns that jealousy and selfish ambition can create disorder and harmful behavior.
Sometimes someone can genuinely love you and still struggle when your life begins moving in a direction she desperately wants for herself. That’s something she may need to work through with God.
So Who Should Have a Voice in Your Dating Life?
You don’t need 14 people conducting a congressional hearing every time you go on a second date.
But having a few wise people who know you well can be extremely valuable.
Ask yourself:
- Can she celebrate me without competing with me?
- Can she tell me something difficult constructively?
- Does she generally demonstrate wisdom in her own life?
- Can she separate her preferences from mine or admit when she might be wrong?
- Does she encourage me to pray and think instead of simply telling me what to do?
You want counsel. You don’t want someone else running your relationship.
And You Have a Responsibility Too
It’s easy to evaluate whether your friends give good advice. But turn the mirror around.
Are you someone who can receive good advice?
Because your friends can’t help you if you’ve already decided that anybody who questions your relationship is jealous.
If five people who love you independently express the same concern, don’t automatically dismiss them.
- Pray.
- Ask questions.
- Pay attention.
On the other hand, don’t allow a loud friend to make decisions for you simply because she’s confident.
Proverbs 12:15 says that wise people listen to advice.
Listening doesn’t mean automatically obeying. It means being humble enough to consider whether someone sees something you don’t.
Ask God About Your Friendships Too
You may spend a lot of time praying: “God, send me the right man.”
That’s a good prayer.
But also pray: “God, surround me with the right people.”
- Ask God to expose jealousy disguised as concern.
- Ask Him to expose flattery disguised as friendship.
- Ask Him to show you when someone’s unresolved wounds are shaping the advice they’re giving you.
Knowing someone for 20 years doesn’t necessarily mean she should have influence over the next 50.
Make Sure Your Friends Understand the Assignment
Your friendships may influence your dating life more than you realize.
The wrong friend may convince you to overlook something dangerous. The wrong friend may convince you to reject something good.
That’s why choosing wise counsel matters.
And if you haven’t already, read my previous post about why your friendships matter before you start dating, because this conversation really has two sides.
You need friends who can see what you can’t see.
But you also need enough discernment to know whose vision you can trust.
Before you’re consumed with finding the right man, make sure you’re paying attention to the women sitting beside you.
Because everybody in your circle may “love” you, but that doesn’t mean they all should have a vote.
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