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Have you ever felt like, just because you’re single, some people just see you as someone to help check things off their to-do list? I’ve been there.
I’ll never forget the time I overheard my dad on the phone telling someone that he was pretty sure I could help them out (with what, I don’t know since he didn’t speak to me first). I wondered to myself “How does he know I won’t be busy then?!!!” From one sister to another, it’s not fun when people volunteer, or worse, voluntold you for things without speaking to you first.
It’s almost as if people assume because you’re single, your life is everyone else’s Plan B (or worse, plan A!).
- Need a Babysitter? You got it.
- Dropoff/pickup to or from the airport at 4 AM? Of course.
- Cover dinner for the 3rd time because you’re not married and have no dependents so obviously you have more disposable income? Sure.
- Need help filling out all those applications? I got you.
- Drive to Hialeah to pick up that furniture because you have more free time? You betcha!
Single = Unlimited Resources?
Some people genuinely act as if your being single means you have endless resources and availability. I feel your pain. Deeply. As your sister in this journey, I’ve lived it too. If you’re not careful, it can really start to make you feel less like a person and more like an object to be used — a utility. A backup plan. The one everybody calls when they’re in a bind… but rarely checks on when you need help.. I know that’s not always their intent, but sometimes, that’s legit how it feels. 😔
It’s exhausting. And frankly, it’s dehumanizing.
People assume that because you don’t have a husband or children:
- Your calendar must automatically be wide open.
- Your finances must be stacked.
- Your energy must be unlimited.
- Your entire existence must revolve around being available.
Let me say this loud and clear: Just because you’re single does not mean you’re automatically “on-call” for all of your married family members or friends.
Just because you’re single does not mean you’re automatically “on-call” for all of your married family members or friends. Share on XSomething to Remember
There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to help out your family member, friend, coworker, or anybody else as a single person. Helping others is a beautiful thing — and often, your single season really does provide you with more freedom and flexibility than your “married with a family” peers may currently have.
In this season, you might have fewer household obligations or people depending on you daily — and that can be a gift to steward. It’s a time when you can volunteer, support loved ones, explore your calling, travel, or pour into ministry or personal development in powerful ways.
But let’s be clear — there is a massive difference between choosing to help because you can and want to, versus being expected to pick up everybody else’s slack just because you’re not tied down.
You are not:
- A stand-in mom, banker, or therapist because people assume you’re child-free, banking, and emotionally equipped.
- An impromptu babysitter because someone else didn’t plan ahead (or well!).
- A 24/7 chauffeur just because your evenings are more “flexible” and “open.”
- An extra employee because your coworker with kids called out.
- A listening ear for everyone’s trauma with no space to process your own.
The Pressure Is Real — and Unspoken
Mind you, the issue isn’t just their requests — it’s also the unspoken pressure.
It’s the guilt trip when you say finally “no.”
- The raised eyebrows.
- The snide or implied, “Well, what else do you have to do? It’s not like you’re in a relationship,” comments.
- The subtle (or not-so-subtle) shame for you setting and maintaining your boundaries.
People may act like your time is less valuable because you don’t have a spouse or kids. I’m not saying they do it on purpose…but they definitely do it.
Hear me when I say that your time is still sacred. Your schedule isn’t less important than theirs just because it includes a spouse and kids. Your schedule still matters, and your peace is still a priority.
The Weight of Feeling Used
In addition, can I just say that there’s something disheartening about being constantly viewed as the “available one.”
It starts small: a favor here, a sacrifice there. But what about it when it becomes a pattern?
What happens as a single person when your time, energy, and wallet are not just expected — they’re assumed?
Well, that’s when resentment (towards them) and disappointment (towards God for allowing you to still be single and free for them to “use”) can start to creep in.
You begin to feel like an object. A convenient resource for others who have families, spouses, and more “valid” responsibilities. And when you try to speak up, you risk being labeled as selfish or bitter.
What happens as a single person when your time, energy, & wallet are not just expected — they’re assumed? That’s when resentment (towards them) & disappointment (towards God for allowing you to still be single and free for… Share on XHere it from me first:
You are not selfish for having needs. You are not wrong for wanting respect.
It’s Time to Set Boundaries—and Keep Them
Jesus had boundaries. He stepped away from crowds. He said “no” without guilt. And you, as His daughter, are allowed to do the same.
But before we dive into the how, let’s talk about the types of communication styles:
Four Communication Styles:
- Passive – You ignore your needs. You say yes to everything. You silently suffer.
- Aggressive – You explode, lash out, or demand.
- Passive-Aggressive – You agree to help, then guilt-trip, sabotage, or make snarky comments.
- Assertive – You calmly, clearly communicate your needs and respect others’ needs while also honoring your own.
Only assertiveness is healthy. It recognizes that while their thoughts, needs, and feelings are valid, so are yours.
This leaves no room for guilt/shame.
So now you’re wondering, “How can I be assertive?” Read on for part 2 to learn strategies to be assertive and set healthy boundaries.