Everything was perfect! You were feeling him. He was feeling you.
He finally asked you out on a date and everything went amazing. Plus he looked even better than his pictures which is always a plus.
But what happens when things go to pieces? You know, when the texts stop coming, the “good morning beautiful” disappears, and the guy who was just telling you he wanted to take you to church just vanishes into thin air. Yep—we’re talking about ghosting.
It’s the 21st-century heartbreak nobody trained us for. One minute you’re thinking about your outfit for the next date night, and the next, you’re triple-checking your phone wondering if there’s some technical reason for the radio silence. (Spoiler alert: there usually isn’t. 😤)
First Things First: It’s Not About You
I know this can be hard to believe, especially when everybody in your family growing up made you feel like you were a burden, #teamtoomuch, a drama queen, or an inconvenience. Let me say this louder: in spite of the lies your brain shoves your way, his ghosting says more about him than it will ever say about you.
I know your brain wants to spiral:
- Was I too much? Or not enough?
- Did I say something wrong?
- Did I talk too much?
- Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive.
- What if I came across as desperate?
- Maybe I shouldn’t have made that joke?—but hear me, sis: emotionally mature men do not disappear without a word. Period.
And on, and on, and on it goes. Sis, you’re not crazy. You’re not being too sensitive. You’re not too fill-in-the-blank with every negative adjective you can think of. And you’re definitely not alone. According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, around 25% of people have been ghosted. That’s 1 in 4 people!
And before you start thinking, “Well, that means 3 people weren’t ghosted who weren’t me,” that same study noted that 20% of people had ghosted somebody else. 😳 Be honest, have you ever ghosted or unmatched with somebody else before without a word or explanation? If you have, you’re very human so don’t beat yourself up about it. And if you haven’t, good on you for doing right to your fellow man! But of course, that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been hurt by that guys ghosting you with zero explanation to show for it.
Ghosting is a real thing and it hurts because it leaves you with no closure and a whole lot of self-doubt.
Here’s What to Do Next:
1. Grieve it (even if it was short-lived).
Yes, believe it or not it is okay to be sad about someone you never officially dated. When there’s emotional investment, there’s emotional loss. Let yourself feel that. Journal. Pray. Ugly cry if you need to. I promise you that God is not afraid of your emotions — He gave them to you! Allow yourself to feel what you feel and sit in it long enough to let it wash away from you.
Remember, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” —Psalm 34:18
2. Don’t chase closure. Give yourself closure instead.
You might be tempted to send that “Hey, just wondering what happened?” text. And while I totally get it, ask yourself: would his explanation actually help? Or would it just reopen wounds? Worse yet, what if you text and he never answers? Will you then feel worse?
Most of the time, silence is the answer. As painful as that is, don’t beg for clarity from someone who didn’t care enough to offer it freely. Give yourself closure by reminding yourself that a good man wouldn’t have ghosted you without an explanation. If you have to chase down an answer now, you’ll have to chase down an answer throughout the rest of your relationship.
3. Reflect, don’t ruminate.
Reflection is about asking questions that help you learn and grow. Rumination is about thinking about or fixating on something over and over again that ultimately only makes you feel worse. Example:
- Reflection is: “What can I learn from this experience?”
- Rumination is: “Why wasn’t I good enough?”
Only one of those leads to growth…
If anything, use this moment to evaluate your boundaries, expectations, and red flag radar so you can become wiser in your dating journey.
4. Reconnect with yourself.
Pull back the energy you poured into him and reinvest it in you. Go on a solo date (or take Jesus with you 🙃). Call up your girlfriends and go out for happy hour drinks/appetizers. Revisit that hobby you dropped when you started texting him every night. You’re not waiting for a man to complete you — you are already complete in Christ.
“You are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” —Colossians 2:10 (NKJV)
5. Rebuild your hope.
This is the hard part, isn’t it? When ghosting happens more than once, it can make you start to feel jaded, cynical., and guarded. Sis, don’t let horrible dating experiences harden your heart or keep you from hoping. Besides, your hope isn’t in a guy who finally chooses you. It’s in the God who already did.
You are not too much. You are not too late. And this isn’t the end of your story.
Book Recommendation:
“Relational Intelligence” by Dr. Dharius Daniels – This book is gold when it comes to learning how to discern the relationships that are worth your time and heart.
Final Encouragement:
Don’t let a man’s silence drown out God’s voice. Your worth is not up for negotiation, and your heart is too precious to be left on read.
📣 Know someone who’s been ghosted lately? Text her this post and remind her she deserves better.
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