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Check out part 1 and part 2 here if you haven’t already. Read on for the final part below:
Fear Isn’t Sinful — But Don’t Camp There
Some people will have you believing that if you feel afraid of being alone forever, then that means that you must not trust God. Can I give you a slightly different perspective?
First things first: stop viewing your negative feelings as a bad thing. This is super unhealthy and unhelpful. I’ve heard it said that emotions/feelings are like the smoke detector in your body. They let you know what’s going well in addition to what’s going wrong. So from this perspective, your emotions/feelings are just neutral pieces of information.
When you experience a negative feeling (such as fear) you need to sit with it long enough to figure out what that feeling is trying to tell you. This practice, called nonjudgmental awareness, enables you to learn from your feelings rather than being afraid of them and constantly trying to get rid of them (thus missing the information your feelings are trying to share with you).
Second thing: Trusting God is not a black and white thing where either you do or you don’t. This type of thinking is called black or white/all-or-nothing thinking and it is also unhelpful.
Choose to see your trusting God as a process. Why do I say that? Because you will never do it perfectly this side of heaven. The reality is that on some days, you may lean more towards the trusting God side and on other days you may lean more towards the not trusting God side. This doesn’t make you a bad Christian. What it does make you is human.
Know When to Listen & When to Evict
One thing I want you to take away from this post is that all of your emotions are valid: happiness, anger, sadness, fear, disgust, surprise (and all the feelings that fall under these categories).
Some days you will experience what we think of as “positive emotions” (e.g., happiness, joy, excitement, etc.), and other days you will experience what we think of as “negative emotions” (e.g., fear, anger, sadness, etc.).
Having a “negative” feeling isn’t a bad thing. But as a Christian, the last thing that you want to do is allow negative emotions such as fear to set up permanent residence in your heart.
To drive this point home, let me share a kind of kooky example with you.
You’ve read those stories about homeless people who find an empty house and “squat” in it long enough to earn squatters’ rights? You need to learn to notice fearful thinking about your singleness when it comes up and kick them out of your mind right away! Don’t let negative thoughts earn “squatters’ rights” or the right to stay in your mind!
You’ve read those stories about homeless people who find an empty house and “squat” in it long enough to earn squatters’ rights? Don’t let negative thoughts earn the right to stay in your mind! Kick them out! Share on XRemember, when fear pops up, name it. Say out loud in prayer: “Lord, I’m scared I’ll never get married. I trust you. Help me in my unbelief.”
Use this strategy for all of your negative emotions. Write each of them down on a sheet of paper in the left-hand column. Then, write down the way you will take that specific fear or concern to God in the right-hand column. Make “I trust you, Lord. Help me in my unbelief” your daily mantra for those times when you struggle to believe God is going to come through.
Trust me, God can handle all of your negative emotions.
Make “I trust you, Lord. Help me in my unbelief” your daily mantra for those times when you are struggling to believe God is going to come through. Share on XThe next thing I want you to do is ask God to replace your fear with faith — faith in His character, His goodness, His love, His plan. Specifically, I want you to have and maintain faith in God point, blank, period — not just faith in His ability to deliver a man to you.
You’re Not Waiting to Get a Life — You Already Have One to Live
Fear of being alone thrives when you see marriage as the starting point for real life. But the truth is your life is already here. It’s NOW.
You are called to live life (and live it well) now. Plug into community.
Fear of being alone thrives when you see marriage as the starting point for real life. Share on XDon’t just sit at home because you don’t have a date.
- Get out of the house!
- Take a class.
- Throw a picnic. Make your own personal travel charcuterie board with foods you enjoy.
- Go to the beach. Buy a beach chair with an attached umbrella for when your friends can’t join you.
- Travel and see the world!
- Take yourself to the spa.
- Book an appointment to get your hair and nails done.
- Head to the farmer’s market.
- Take yourself out to the trendy restaurant you keep hearing everybody brag about!
Work on your purpose, calling, or business idea. Join one of your church’s small group. Oh wait. They don’t have one? Then sis, don’t just sit there! Create the small group you need!
For the love of all that is holy, please do not put your life on pause. You are worthy now, and just because you’re not in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean you have to be alone. God can use your singleness in ways marriage never could.
The Bible says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” —John 10:10
Your having a full and fulfilling life does not begin with a husband. It begins with Jesus.
Do not put your life on pause. You are worthy now; and just because you’re not in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean you have to be alone. God can use your singleness in ways marriage never could. Share on XFinal Word of Encouragement:
- You are not behind.
- You are not forgotten.
- You are not invisible.
- You are not abandoned.
- You are not rejected.
- You are not the exception to God’s goodness.
- Your life is not on hold.
- You are never alone.
God is with you, right here, right now. So what are you waiting for? Start living now!
Share this with the friend who’s questioning her story and needs some encouragement. Remind her it’s not over — God’s still writing as we speak…