Check out part 1 and part 2 here if you haven’t already.
So you’ve reviewed his words and actions and have noticed that they’re not really matching up. Then chances are, you know everything you need to know at that point (at least your head does…).
He keeps promising you the world when he can’t even keep the promise he made to you last week. What more do you need?
Things to remember
There’s a cliché saying that goes, “If he wanted to, he would.”
This statement is rooted in truth — passed down from generations and generations of women who learned the hard way. I am one of them. I am one of the women who:
- Gave too many second, third, or fourth chances.
- Made too many excuses for bad behavior (which is common if you’re used to making excuses for your loved ones’ bad behaviors).
- Believed in potential over patterns (because as women we have the capacity to see the biggest and brighter future version of our partner).
- Ignored the red flags because I so badly wanted it to work.
- Believed the lie because he (occasionally) said the right things and made me feel special, seen, chosen (take your pick!).
But here’s the thing about wisdom: it comes from experience. And some of those experiences leave scars. Emotional ones.
You kept believing the lies, rationalizations, and justifications for your partner’s bad behavior — only to be blindsided when he inevitably did everything he claimed he couldn’t do for you… for the next girl.
- He planned dates…and paid for them.
- He posted her on social media.
- He introduced her to his mama and entire family.
- He talked about the future (the same guy who when you asked him about your futures told you he just likes to “live in the moment.”). Sure, Jan.
So now you’re left sitting there thinking, “So he did know how to love… just not me.”
If he wanted to, he would.
Say it again. Say it slower. Let it sink in.
Because love — real love — doesn’t hesitate to act.
- It doesn’t stay stuck in “I’m just figuring things out.”
- It doesn’t leave you on read.
- It doesn’t ghost you and then spin the block when it’s convenient.
- It doesn’t give you crumbs and expect a full-course response.
I want to make this crystal clear. You were not the problem. It’s not that you were so unlovable, unlikable, inadequate, or unworthy of him that he couldn’t put a ring on it. It’s moreso that he was selfish. He loved having access to you (and your benefits) knowing full well that he wasn’t 100% sure you were his person.
So rather than being man enough to be open about his thoughts, so you could make an informed decision, he kept them to himself because it served him better to keep you in the potential girlfriend role until he found someone else to fill it.
So what are your options? Should you:
- Send that third follow-up text?
- Wait by your phone?
- Write an Emmy-worthy message to “make him understand” or “see why he should choose you”? or
- Move to another country to avoid ever having to see his (increasingly punchable looking) face again?!
Scratch all of that! Here’s what you can do instead:
- Journal it out
- Get all of your thoughts onto paper. Untangle your thoughts and feelings in a way that you can easily reference as you make your decision.
- Pray
- Not just for a “miracle” text from him, but for wisdom, peace, and the strength to walk away if needed. I know walking away hurts. But if God gives you the sign that he is not it, the sooner you leave, the sooner you can heal. Remember, if you’re confused, chances are the answer isn’t confusing at all. Three words, eight letters: He’s not it.
- Call your friend
- The one who will talk you off the ledge, call you out on your bull, and force you out of the house when you’d much rather wallow in pity for the ninth month straight. Don’t worry about feeling embarrassed. Every single woman on this planet has done some stupid/foolish thing in the name of love. That doesn’t make you dumb. It makes you human, with a lot of love to give. You just got to learn to give it to the right person…
- Live.
- Go live your life. Like, now. Travel, see the world, take that class, start that business. Besides, it beats waiting on a half-hearted “wyd” text from some lame-o any day.
Under no circumstances are you to move out of the country for him (unless he’s a bonafide stalker/psycho!). Believe it or not you and his sizable ego can live in the same state/country (you just have to set boundaries which I will be discussing in an entire series on boundaries!).
What tips would you add to this list? Share some of them below and help a sister out!
Send this to your friend who needs to delete his number but keeps praying for confirmation. (Spoiler alert: This is your confirmation, sis!)