In my last post, I talked about how being the “single friend” can often make you feel like the object everybody turns to when they need something. Read on to learn healthy ways you can start being assertive and set boundaries with your loved ones and friends today.
5 Strategies to Be More Assertive
- Practice short, direct responses.
- Don’t over-explain or justify. A simple, “I’m not available for that right now,” is enough. Remember, “No.” Is a full sentence. Children explain to parents. Adults don’t explain to other adults.
- Anticipate repeat offenders.
- You know what I’m talking about. Those family members who, the minute their name comes across your caller ID, you just KNOW are about to ask for some “small favor.” Prepare your responses in advance. Boundaries are harder to set in the moment if you’re caught off guard.
- Use “I” statements.
- Instead of “You always ask me to do things last minute!” try: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to drop things unexpectedly without advance notice. It disrupts my schedule and makes me more likely to forget something. In the future, I would appreciate it if you ask me well ahead of time. This will allow me to ensure I have adequate time to help you while also getting to my own stuff.”
- Honor your ‘no’ just as much as you honor your ‘yes.’
- Your time is just as valuable, even if you’re not married or parenting. And just because you’re single doesn’t mean that all of your money isn’t accounted for by “important” things.
- Remind yourself: boundaries don’t mean disconnection.
- Boundaries are not about controlling other people’s behavior as much as it about you letting people know in which ways they can/cannot have access to you. So when you set healthy boundaries, they actually help preserve your peace and your relationships.
- Repeat after me: “Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean I am rude or selfish.”
- Sis, you are not superwoman. Or in Christian vernacular, you are not God. You cannot be everything to everyone, all the time. That doesn’t make you mean, rude, or self-centered. All it means is you recognize your limitations. When you can help someone (with your time, energy, or money), do it freely and happily! Singleness can allow you more opportunities to serve others, so take advantage of it. But when you say ‘no,’ don’t judge yourself for it.
Boundaries You Can Set to Have Peace:
Going back to what I said earlier, it’s important for you to set and maintain healthy boundaries. This is the only way to ensure that your singleness season will not become one big chorefest. Here are just a few boundaries I want you to put into practice:
1. Time Boundaries:
Time boundaries make it clear that your free time is not to be governed by somebody else’s wishes or plans. Just because it’s your day off doesn’t mean they get to co-opt it for their own needs. To set this kind of boundary, say something like this: “I’m only available to help you between 2–4 p.m. Saturday. If that doesn’t work, we may have to reschedule for another day and time.”
2. Topic Boundaries:
Topic boundaries are about avoiding those topics that tend to be landmines. You know, topics like politics, religion, …or why you’re still single. To set a topic boundary, practice saying something like this: “Hey, I’d prefer not to talk about why I’m still single. I’d much rather catch up on what we’re both excited about right now.”
3. Money Boundaries:
Money boundaries are especially important because they allow you to dictate what happens with your money rather than allowing others to. You can set a money boundary by saying this: “I’m currently sticking to a tight budget so I can’t contribute financially to that right now.”
Scripts to Help You Say “No” with Grace
- “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m going to pass this time.”
- “I’d love to help, but I’m actually not available then.”
- “I can’t do that, but I hope it works out for you!”
- “That doesn’t work for me right now, but thanks for checking in.”
- “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, so I’ll have to say no.”
Sis, let me say this clearly: Your time, energy, and resources are not public property. Being single doesn’t mean you exist to fill in the gaps for everyone else’s life.
Your life is whole. Your presence is a gift — not a given.
Let’s practice living like we believe that. Let’s be bold, be clear, and be kind. You can be Christlike and still say “no.” You can be generous without being drained.
Call to Action:
If this post hits home, share it with a sister who often feels like an object or struggles to speak up.
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