The Dating Advice That Keeps Women Confused—and Why It’s Failing You

Everywhere you turn, someone has an opinion about why you haven’t met “the right person” yet.

One camp says, “You’re being too picky! At your age, you need to lower your standards!” 

Another camp says, “Your standards are too low. You’re just settling so you can be in a relationship.” 

The older you get, the more the consensus seems to be that if you’re a single woman pushing 30, 40, or beyond, you must be doing something wrong.

So let me say this clearly, lovingly, and without apology. As a single Christian woman desiring marriage, the goal is:

• Not to have a boyfriend.
• Not to be in a relationship.
• Not to get engaged.
• Not even to be married.
• The goal is to marry well.

Marriage is not a prize for endurance. It’s a partnership that will either support your future or sabotage it, whether emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, and/or mentally.

As a single Christian woman, the goal is not to have a boyfriend, be in a relationship, get engaged, or even to be married.The goal is to marry well. Share on X

Remember, a bad marriage doesn’t just delay your life; it can handicap it. And rushing into the wrong relationship will absolutely make you wish you were still single, especially if you end up legally, financially, and emotionally tied to the wrong person. Oh and spoiler alert: if you have a kid with the wrong man, it will definitely ensure you end up legally, financially, and emotionally tied to the wrong person. 🥴

Let’s Clear This Up: “Too Picky” vs. “Settling”

Having standards is not a bad thing. I mean, even God ensured Adam had a job before He gave him Eve (I’m only half joking!).

That being said, not all standards are created equal. Some standards you are holding onto are rooted in fear, fantasy, or rigidity. However, there are other standards that are rooted in wisdom, discernment, and self-respect.

A bad marriage doesn’t just delay your life; it can handicap it. And rushing into the wrong relationship will absolutely make you wish you were still single, especially if you end up legally, financially, and emotionally tied to… Share on X

So Let’s Review What Being Too Picky Can Actually Look Like

Keep this in mind, being selective isn’t the problem; however, here’s where it crosses into unhelpful territory:

• Eliminating people over superficial or trivial preferences (height, accent, minor quirks, facial hair, etc.).
• Expecting perfection instead of character. You want a man with no flaws, no growth edges, no humanity.
• Holding onto a fantasy version of a spouse rather than assessing real-world compatibility. That perfect guy in that romance novel/Disney movie doesn’t exist, sis!
• Rigid timelines and checklists that leave no room for God, growth, or nuance. You assume “I need to be married by 30” and latch on to the guy who’s “decent” because you’re 29 with only 5 months left to your next birthday.
• Confusing chemistry with destiny or mistaking excitement for alignment. Remember, butterflies today can lead to a different kind of butterflies in your stomach tomorrow.

Some dating standards you are holding onto are rooted in fear, fantasy, or rigidity. However, others are rooted in wisdom, discernment, and self-respect. Share on X

Psychologically speaking, being too picky often comes from your anxiety, a strong need to control, or an unconscious fear of vulnerability.

When you over-filter, you protect yourself from disappointment. On the downside, you also block genuine connections.

Being too picky often comes from your anxiety, a strong need to control, or an unconscious fear of vulnerability. When you over-filter, you protect yourself from disappointment. On the downside, you also block genuine connections. Share on X

Now Let’s Turn To What Settling Actually Looks Like

Now let’s talk about the other extreme that can cost you and other women dearly.

Settling looks like:

• Ignoring consistent red flags because “no one is perfect.”
• Accepting emotional unavailability, disrespect, or instability just to avoid being alone again.
• Minimizing concerns about character, values, beliefs, or lifestyle incompatibility.
• Over-spiritualizing dysfunction (“I’ll pray him through it”. NEWSFLASH: No, you won’t, sis. You’ll just “pray” yourself into a bad marriage!!!).
• Choosing potential over patterns. You see the type of man he could be and assume you can help him become that man. #theliesTheLIES

Here’s one thing I’ve learned from psychology. You want to know what’s the best indicator of future behavior? Past behavior.

In other words, his patterns today predict his outcomes tomorrow. What you tolerate while dating will become what you will have to manage throughout your marriage.

• Tolerated cheating? You will have to manage infidelity throughout your marriage.
• Tolerated abuse (whether physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, etc.)? You will have to manage abuse throughout your marriage.
• Tolerated disrespect? You will have to manage disrespect throughout your marriage.
• Tolerated inconsistency? You will have to manage him not always following through throughout your marriage.
• Tolerated violating your boundaries? You will have to manage his crossing your boundaries throughout your marriage.
• Tolerated him borrowing money till he gets his next paycheck? You will have to manage his poor financial decisions throughout your marriage.

Don’t forget, marriage doesn’t heal chronic issues: it magnifies them.

Settling looks like choosing potential over patterns. You see the type of man he could be and assume you can help him become that man. #theliesTheLIES Share on X

And biblically? Wisdom has always mattered more than urgency.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” — Proverbs 27:12

Note to the wise: if you see red flags/problematic behavior in your dating relationship, don’t assume it will get better. RUN. And run NOW!

What you tolerate while dating will become what you will have to manage throughout your entire marriage. What are you tolerating? Share on X

Let’s Reframe the Conversation

So here is my opinion (take it or leave it): any woman can get into a relationship. So if you assume that that’s true, then you also understand getting a man is not a flex.

I repeat: getting a man is NOT a flex.

But getting the right man? A Christian man? A godly man? A humble man? A teachable man? A leader of the household? A faithful man? A reliable man? A consistent man? A man who provides and protects? A man who walks and talks with God? Now that’s a flex.

So how do you get one of these men? What do you have to do or look out for? You have to exercise wisdom and discernment. In your decision-making, the latter is what determines whether the man you choose will become a blessing or a burden in your life.

Marriage isn’t just about hot, passionate sex on demand (hate to break it to you, but the bulk of your marriage will not be spent having mind-blowing sex).

• Marriage joins lives
• Marriage joins finances
• Marriage joins families
• Marriage joins emotional worlds, destinies, and futures

Scripture warns repeatedly about unwise partnerships. God doesn’t warn you because He is restrictive, but because He is protective of you. You’re His daughter for goodness sake!!!

“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?” — 2 Corinthians 6:14

Marriage is a team and a partnership. This isn’t just about faith labels. It’s about alignment of values, direction, and character. Psychologically, you and your future spouse’s long-term satisfaction depends on shared values, emotional regulation, conflict skills, and mutual respect, not just attraction.

How do you get a good man? You have to exercise wisdom and discernment. In your decision-making, discernment is what determines whether the man you choose will become a blessing or a burden in your life. Share on X

So How Do You Choose Wisely?

Here’s where discernment becomes a skill, not a guessing game.

1. Look for Character Over Charisma

Charm is loud, seductive, and persuasive. Character is consistent, stable, and reliable.

Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” The male counterpart to that would be: Charm is deceptive, and being handsome does not last; but a man who fears the Lord will be greatly praised

2. Watch Patterns, Not Promises

Anyone can say the right thing. Wisdom observes behavior over time. Psychology backs this up: consistent behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Pay attention to how he handles frustration, responsibility, boundaries, and correction.

“You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act.” — Matthew 7:16

3. Don’t Ignore Peace

God often guides through clarity and peace. God does not burden you with confusion, anxiety, or the constant need to justify the latest bad thing he has done.

“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” — 1 Corinthians 14:33

If you constantly feel unsettled, conflicted, or on edge, don’t spiritualize that away. God gave you your emotions and intuition for a reason. If something feels off, follow those breadcrumbs to determine what’s wrong and make your next moves.

4. Know Yourself Before You Choose Someone Else

Self-awareness matters. Attachment styles, unresolved trauma, and unmet emotional needs can all distort your attraction to that man. Therapy, mentorship, discipleship, and honest reflection aren’t weaknesses: they’re wisdom. And guess what? God can help you do all of this and more!

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts..” — Ps. 139:23

5. Invite Wise Counsel

Isolation leads to blind spots. Trusted mentors and spiritually grounded family members or friends can see what your emotions might cloud.

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” — Proverbs 15:22

In Conclusion…

Still single? You are not behind (no matter what the clock or your family says). You are not wrong for wanting alignment, peace, safety, and a partnership that strengthens your future.

If you worry you’re being difficult or maintaining unrealistic/rigid standards, or if you’re worried that you have been settling just to be in a relationship, pray, read your Bible, talk to wise counsel, seek older mentors, go to therapy, join a small group, and pivot as necessary.

Don’t assume you’ve “missed the boat” and it’s too late for you. God has time in the palm of His hands. It’s never too late for you. You’re not too old. You’re not too “wrinkly.” God can send another “boat” in the blink of an eye.

Remember, waiting is not the enemy. Waiting is what enables you to make wise decisions. The goal is to exercises both wisdom and discernment in your decision making.

• Marry well, not get married.
• Choose discernment, not desperation.
• And never forget: a rushed “yes” can cost you much more than a patient (and sometimes very patient) “not yet.”

If this spoke to you, share it with a sister who’s feeling pressured to choose quickly or questioning her standards. And if you’re navigating dating with wisdom, intention, and faith, you’re not alone here. Let’s keep having honest conversations that protect your future. #forsinglewomenonly