The other day, I went to a nearby RA Sushi for happy hour.
When I arrived, one side of the outside bar was completely full. On the other side sat two people: a woman on one end and a man farther down with two empty seats between them.
“Perfect,” I thought.
Until I got closer and realized the woman had placed her purse on the seat next to her!
That left me with one option: the seat beside the man.
I walked over and asked if anyone was sitting there. He barely looked at me. He simply waved his hand as if to say, Go ahead.
And immediately, I had an impression. Well, he’s a little cold and dismissive.
I sat down anyway.
Then Came The Nudge
The bartender came over, and as I placed my order, I clearly heard God say:
Win him over.
My immediate response?
Why would I want to do that?!
This man had just waved me toward a chair without a backward glance, like I was a fly he was shooing away.
He had a drink in front of him, a vape nearby, and some feed on his propped-up phone. Everything about his body language seemed to communicate:
I don’t want to be bothered.
Then another thought came:
How are you going to share the gospel if you’re afraid to talk to people who seem closed off? Do you think everybody you meet is going to be a chatty Cathy?
Okay, that last part may have been my addition.
But I understood what the Holy Spirit was getting at.
Sometimes the people God wants you to engage with aren’t going to look particularly inviting.
- Sometimes they’re rough around the edges.
- Sometimes they’re quiet.
- Sometimes they’re brusque.
And sometimes the story you’ve already written about them in your head is completely wrong.
The Turning Point
I decided to go for it (although part of me still expected him to shut the conversation down).
Now I just needed an opening.
As I sat there brainstorming, something came across the television about the World Cup. So I turned to him and asked “So who were you rooting for to win the World Cup?”
That was it.
One little question.
Yet somehow, that one question turned into a conversation that lasted practically the entire evening!
This man who had initially seemed like he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me talked with me for hours.
By the end of the conversation, he told me how much he’d enjoyed talking with me.
And then I discovered something else.
He’d paid my entire tab.
I couldn’t help but think about how differently that night would’ve gone if I had allowed my first impression to make the decision for me.
And then I thought about dating.
How Many People Do You Write Off Too Quickly?
First impressions matter. But first impressions aren’t infallible.
You can meet a man and immediately decide:
- He’s rude.
- He’s awkward.
- He’s too quiet.
- He’s too loud.
- That joke was corny.
- Why did he say it like that?
- He’s not my type.
- Nope.
And sometimes, you may be absolutely right.
But sometimes?
You may have caught someone in one awkward moment and mistaken that moment for his entire personality.
You don’t have God’s ability to see someone’s heart immediately.
That means humility requires leaving at least a little room for the possibility that your first interpretation could be wrong.
- Maybe he’s nervous.
- Maybe he doesn’t make great first impressions.
- Maybe he’s introverted.
- Maybe he didn’t realize how his tone sounded.
- Maybe he’s had a horrible day.
- Maybe he’s perfectly pleasant once he becomes comfortable.
- Maybe his humor takes some getting used to.
And maybe that thing you initially found slightly annoying will eventually become one of the things that makes you laugh the hardest.
You simply don’t always know yet.
Humility requires leaving at least a little room for the possibility that your first interpretation could be wrong. #forsinglewomenonly Share on XDiscernment Is Different From Prejudgment
Now, don’t misunderstand me.
This isn’t an invitation to ignore red flags.
If a man is disrespectful, cruel, dishonest, sexually inappropriate, controlling, aggressive, or displaying behavior that genuinely concerns you, wisdom doesn’t mean giving him access simply because he might be misunderstood.
There’s a difference between discernment and premature judgment.
Jesus said in John 7:24, “Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.”
Notice that He didn’t say never evaluate anything.
He said to judge correctly.
There's a difference between you exercising discernment and you making a premature judgment. #forsinglewomenonly Share on XSometimes you haven’t gathered enough information yet to do that.
- A brief interaction isn’t always enough.
- An awkward joke isn’t always enough.
- A brusque response isn’t always enough.
- An unusual personality isn’t always enough.
One moment may give you information, but it doesn’t necessarily give you the whole person.
And when you’re dating, that distinction matters.
What If You Had One More Conversation?
Think about the men you’ve met who rubbed you the wrong way initially.
- Maybe he was abrupt.
- Maybe he laughed louder than you would’ve preferred.
- Maybe his jokes were painfully corny.
- Maybe he seemed awkward.
- Maybe he didn’t flirt enough.
- Maybe he talked too much because he was nervous.
- Maybe he didn’t talk enough because he was nervous.
- Maybe he said something harmless in a way that made you think, Ugh. Absolutely not.
But what if you’re wrong?
Not necessarily about whether he’s your husband. That’s a much bigger question.
What if you’re simply wrong about who he is?
What if one more conversation would reveal something you couldn’t see during the first one?
- Kindness.
- Depth.
- Generosity.
- Humor.
- Wisdom.
- Faith.
- Compassion.
- Integrity.
Maybe it’s a testimony you never expected. A shared interest you never would’ve discovered. Or a completely different side of him.
Proverbs 18:13 warns that responding before hearing the facts is both foolish and shameful.
While that verse isn’t specifically about dating, the principle is worth remembering.
Sometimes you need a little more information.
You Could Be Missing More Than a Date
There’s another part of my RA Sushi story that matters even more than dating.
God’s initial instruction wasn’t:
See whether this man could be your type.
It was:
Win him over.
My willingness to speak to him wasn’t supposed to depend upon whether he seemed pleasant enough, polished enough, friendly enough, or approachable enough.
Because people don’t become worthy of kindness when they make a good first impression.
And they certainly don’t become worthy of hearing about Jesus because they’re easy to talk to.
Jesus routinely engaged people others would’ve dismissed.
Tax collectors. Sinners. Outcasts. People with complicated reputations. People who didn’t fit neatly inside respectable religious boxes.
That should challenge you.
Because if you’re going to represent Christ wherever you go, you can’t limit your warmth only to people who immediately make you comfortable.
And that lesson can follow you right into your dating life.
Because if you're going to represent Christ wherever you go, you can't limit your warmth only to people who immediately make you comfortable. #forsinglewomenonly Share on XLeave Room to Be Surprised
You don’t have to date every man who asks, force attraction that isn’t there, overlook incompatibility, and you absolutely shouldn’t explain away legitimate warning signs.
But you may want to become slower to make permanent decisions based on temporary impressions.
James 1:19 encourages you to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Sometimes you may also need to become a little slower to conclude.
Slow down enough to observe. Ask another question. Have another conversation. Give someone’s personality a few minutes to unfold.
- Because the man who seems a little aloof might actually be shy.
- The man with the terrible joke might eventually have you crying laughing.
- The man who doesn’t immediately sweep you off your feet might possess the kind of character that matters far more six months from now.
And the person you almost avoided might become someone God uses to teach you something.
I went into RA Sushi expecting happy-hour food.
I almost allowed one dismissive-looking hand gesture to determine everything I thought about the stranger sitting next to me.
Instead, I obeyed a little nudge to speak.
And a conversation I almost never started lasted the entire evening.
He enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. And apparently, he enjoyed it enough to secretly pay my bill.
All because I was willing to discover that my first impression wasn’t the whole story.
So the next time a man doesn’t make the greatest first impression, don’t abandon discernment.
But don’t confuse discernment with prejudgment either.
You can pay attention to what you see while remaining humble enough to admit that you may not have seen everything yet.
So the next time a man doesn't make the greatest first impression, don't abandon discernment. Pay attention to what you see while remaining humble enough to admit that you may not have seen everything yet. #forsinglewomenonly Share on XSometimes your first impression will be right.
And sometimes one conversation will completely change it.
Before you write someone off, leave a little room for God to surprise you. Because you never know who, or what, might be sitting one seat away.
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