When His Words Leave Bruises: How to Spot Red Flags in Dating

I was 34 going on 35. And maybe because it was a “milestone” year, 35 felt way more significant to me.

I’d already begun to hear the ticking of my biological clock once I joined the 30 club. But as I began nearing 35 with zero prospects in sight, that ticking started sounding less like a clock and more like a bomb.

And if that “bomb” went off, you know what that meant: eternal singleness. Perpetual spinsterhood. A loveless life.

It was the fear that maybe time was running out for me and I’d missed my window.

The Turning Point?

Then, while going on a few dates here and there, I finally met a guy I genuinely liked.

And on paper? He looked pretty good.

He was attractive. He had a good job. He owned his home. He paid for our dates. He identified as a Christian and attended church every Sunday.

He even told me that when people offered to make plans with him on Sundays, he told them that he was only available after the Sunday morning service. Can you say #jackpot!

So imagine my surprise when he started pushing for sex…I wish I were joking.

First it was the slick little comments about my “standards.” Then it was saying that in this day and age, waiting until marriage was “unrealistic.” Then it was telling me that if I expected a man to wait until marriage, I’d need to date a pastor or a deacon.

Problematic? Sure.

But then one day, rather nonchalantly, he asked me whether I’d ever considered that I was nearing my “expiration date” and that maybe God had left me sitting on a shelf.

Yeah. He said that. And if it hurt you to read it, imagine how I felt when I heard it from someone I really liked.

When Words Find the Wound

Now to be clear, I don’t believe he sat somewhere beforehand thinking, Let me figure out how to hurt her today.

I don’t even think he necessarily understood the weight his words would carry.

But they hurt me anyway.

More importantly, I believe the devil used those words to press directly into an insecurity I already had: You’re getting older. You’re running out of time. Maybe marriage has passed you by.

That’s why you have to pay attention to more than whether you like a man.

You have to pay attention to how he speaks to you.

Proverbs 12:18 says, “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.”

Some words cut while others heal.

Which kind does your guy consistently give you?

One Hurtful Comment ≠ Abusive Relationship

This distinction matters.

People can say insensitive, immature, selfish, or downright stupid things without the relationship necessarily being abusive.

Relationship abuse generally involves a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over a partner.

Emotional abuse can include insults, humiliation, intimidation, manipulation, excessive jealousy, isolation, monitoring, threats, and repeated efforts to diminish another person’s confidence or independence.

So don’t label every disagreement abusive; but also don’t minimize repeated emotional battering either.

Start paying attention to the pattern.

Ask Yourself How You Feel Around His Words

Not just: Do I like him?

Not just: Am I attracted to him?

Not even: Would other women consider him a good catch?

Ask yourself:

• Does he regularly insult, belittle, embarrass, or ridicule me?
• Does he seem to repeatedly poke at my insecurities?
• Does he call cruel/harsh words him “just being honest”?
• When you tell him something hurt you, does he care?
• Does he apologize and change? Or does he tell you you’re too sensitive?
• Does disagreement result in contempt, name-calling, intimidation, or humiliation?
• Does he pressure you sexually and then criticize your standards when you refuse?
• Do you increasingly feel as though you’re walking on eggshells around him?
• Does he make you question your worth, intelligence, attractiveness, faith, or judgment?
• Does he use your age or fear of being single to pressure you into tolerating things you otherwise wouldn’t?

Those questions matter.

Warning signs can include:

• Frequent put-downs
• Isolation
• Controlling behavior
• Intimidation
• Making a partner afraid to express herself freely.

And sometimes the warning isn’t one explosive statement.

It’s death by a thousand little cuts.

“But He Looks So Good on Paper”

Sis, I strongly encourage you not to get blinded by the fact that:

• He’s handsome.
• Successful.
• Educated.
• Financially stable/well-off.
• Generous.
• Funny.
• Identifies as Christian
• Attends church.
• Can quote Scripture.

None of those things tell you how emotionally safe he is.

A dating profile can’t tell you whether a man has learned to handle another person’s heart with care.

A dating profile can't tell you whether a man has learned to handle another person's heart with care. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

And church attendance isn’t the same thing as spiritual maturity.

Jesus said you recognize people by their fruit, Matthew 7:16.

So examine his fruit.

• How does he respond when you tell him no?
• How does he speak when he’s frustrated?
• How does he handle disagreement?
• Does he become cruel when he doesn’t get his way?
• Does he protect your vulnerabilities or weaponize them?

Those moments may reveal far more about his character than what he does on Sunday morning.

A Man of God Should Understand the Power of His Words

Scripture doesn’t treat speech casually.

Ephesians 4:29 explicitly instructs believers not to use abusive language and instead to speak words that are helpful and encouraging.

Colossians 4:6 says your conversation should be gracious.

That doesn’t mean a godly man will compliment you every minute or never challenge you.

• Sometimes love tells the truth.
• Sometimes love confronts.
• Sometimes love disagrees.

But biblical truth doesn’t require humiliation and disagreement doesn’t require cruelty.

A man who genuinely walks with God will understand that his words matter and carry weight.

He should want his words to build rather than batter, uplift rather than tear down.

A man who genuinely walks with God will understand that his words matter and carry weight. He should want his words to build rather than batter you, uplift rather than tear you down. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

And He Should Know Your Situation Isn’t Bigger Than God

This is another reason that “expiration date” conversation bothered me.

A man who understands God should know better than to speak as though your circumstances have somehow exceeded God’s capacity to handle.

• Yes, biology is real.
• Age is real.
• Statistics are real.
• Circumstances are real.

But God is bigger than ALL of those things.

If he speaks to you as though your age means God has forgotten you, shelved you, or declared you undesirable, he’s revealing something about his lack of understanding of God.

I eventually recognized that while Mr. Perfect-on-Paper knew of God, he didn’t actually know God. And that made me sad…for him.

Truth to Live By

Our God is bigger than the “facts” surrounding your situation.

That doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed marriage at or by a certain age.

It means your worth, purpose, future, and identity have never depended upon beating some imaginary expiration date.

Isaiah 43:4 describes God’s people as precious, honored, and loved.

And Psalm 139:14 reminds you that you’re God’s marvelous workmanship.

Thirty-five doesn’t erase that.

Forty doesn’t erase that.

Fifty doesn’t erase that.

Single doesn’t erase that.

Don’t Let Fear Make You Tolerate Mess

This is where I want you to be especially careful. When you’re afraid of being alone, almost having someone can start feeling better than having no one.

That’s dangerous.

• Because you may begin negotiating things you once considered non-negotiable.
• You may tolerate disrespect because dating feels exhausting.
• You may overlook cruelty because he’s otherwise “a good guy.”
• You may accept sexual pressure because you’re afraid another man won’t come along.
• You may convince yourself that words aren’t that serious because at least he doesn’t hit you.

But you don’t have to wait for someone’s words to become fists before you take unhealthy behavior seriously.

Pay attention early.

You don't have to wait for someone's words to become fists before you take unhealthy behavior seriously. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

Watch how he speaks when he’s disappointed, whether he respects your boundaries without punishing you for having them, and whether your vulnerability produces tenderness or ammunition.

And watch what happens when you tell him, “That hurt me.”

His response will tell you plenty. Can he apologize or does he just get defensive? If the latter, that tells you everything you need to know!

If you forget everything else you’ve read today don’t forget this: You don’t need a man who merely looks good on paper.

• You need character.
• You need emotional safety.
• You need respect.

And if he calls himself a man of God, you should see evidence that the God he says he knows is shaping the way he uses his words.

Because words can leave bruises too. And love that batters isn’t the kind of love God is calling you to accept.