Can’t Let Go Of A Toxic Ex? Here’s What You Need To Know

I was recently talking to someone who was so upset with herself because she couldn’t stop thinking about an old flame.

And I don’t mean some sweet, almost-love story that ended because life took them in different directions.

I mean toxic, to put it mildly.

He didn’t present that way at first. In the beginning, he was charming, attentive, interesting, and full of “potential.” But once they got into an actual relationship, she saw another side of him.

For years, he strung her along.

• He promised marriage but never followed through.
• He mooched off of her while swearing his next “business idea” was finally going to take off.
• He apologized, made promises, swore he’d become a better man for her, and then fell right back into the same cycle.

And after all that, she still didn’t walk away.

He did.

Right before moving on to his next victim girlfriend.

And she was wrecked!

Crying. Sleepless nights. Wondering why she wasn’t good enough. Asking herself what this new woman had that she didn’t. Replaying conversations. Remembering the good moments. Ignoring, minimizing, or trying to make sense of the bad ones.

You know. All the usual heartbreak things.

After a few months, she confided in me that she felt “pathetic.” When I asked her why, she said she couldn’t understand why she still felt so desperate to be with a man like him.

She wasn’t crying every day anymore, but she still thought about him constantly. Sometimes her phone would ring, and for half a second, she’d hope it was him.

Then she’d feel ashamed and embarrassed.

She was already in therapy to address the trauma from the relationship, which was good and necessary. But as we talked, I asked her a question that threw her for a loop:

“Is it possible that what you’re experiencing isn’t only trauma, but also grief?”

She looked at me like I had just suggested she eat a nail.

She couldn’t understand why she’d grieve someone who, in the long scheme of things, hadn’t really done anything to truly love on her.

Sound familiar?

Maybe that’s where you’re getting stuck too.

Because maybe you’re thinking, “Why would I grieve him? He lied. He used me. He wasted my time. He wasn’t even good to me like that.”

But here’s the thing.

When you love someone, even if they treat you wrong, your feelings were still real. Your love was still real.

That doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy. It just means you’re not crazy for hurting.

Love isn’t a feeling. Love is action. And throughout that relationship, you were “acting” in love over and over again.

Maybe you invested physically, giving affection, intimacy, presence, and care.

Maybe you invested emotionally, listening to his problems, carrying his stress, calming his fears, and trying to love him into becoming the man he kept promising he would be.

Maybe you invested financially, helping with bills, loaning money, , or supporting his “dream” because he convinced you that his breakthrough was around the corner.

Maybe you invested spiritually, praying for him, fasting for him, sending scriptures, and encouraging him.

Maybe you invested your future.

• You pictured the wedding.
• You imagined your home.
• You thought about what your children might look like.
• You saw him sitting across from you at holidays.
• You imagined introducing him as your husband.
• You pictured the testimony you’d one day share about how God restored everything and made all the pain worth it.

And then the relationship ended.

But all those investments didn’t just disappear.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Why would I grieve him? He lied.”But here’s the thing. When you love someone, even if they treat you wrong, your love was still real. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

Imagine every act of love, hope, prayer, sacrifice, dream, tear, conversation, dollar, and piece of yourself, as something you placed into a drawer. And in your mind, that drawer was labeled with his name.

You kept putting things in.

• A little forgiveness here.
• A little patience there.
• A little money.
• A little prayer.
• A little more grace.
• A little more waiting.
• A little more believing.
• A little more “maybe this time he means it.”

Then one day, the drawer was gone.

The person was gone.

The relationship was gone.

But somehow, you were still left holding all the things you had put into it.

That is why healing can be so hard.

Imagine every act of love as something you placed into a drawer. And that drawer was labeled with his name. Then one day, the drawer was gone. The person was gone.The relationship was gone. But somehow, you were still left holding… Share on X

You’re not just grieving the man.

You’re grieving the version of him you hoped he’d become, the future you thought you were building, the years you can’t get back, and the woman you were before the relationship wore you down.

That kind of grief doesn’t disappear just because your mind knows he wasn’t good for you. Your heart may still be trying to figure out where to put all the love it had been carrying.

So what do you do when you know he’s no good for you, but you still can’t stop thinking about him?

You’re not just grieving the man. You're grieving the version of him you hoped he’d become, the future you thought you were building, the years you can’t get back, and the woman you were before the relationship wore you down.… Share on X

1. Accept Where You Are

Stop beating yourself up for not being “over it” yet.

You can acknowledge that the relationship was unhealthy and still admit that you miss him sometimes. Those things can exist at the same time.

Trying to force yourself to feel differently just adds shame on top of pain.

Instead, journal it out. Say the things you’re scared to admit.

“I miss him.” “I’m angry.” “I feel stupid.” “I don’t want him back, but I still wish he’d call.”

That honesty doesn’t mean you’re going backward. It means you’re telling the truth about where you are. And God can meet you there.

2. Take It to God — and a Good Therapist

Feelings are meant to be explored, not buried.

Reflect on your specific feelings and then say, “Lord, I know he wasn’t good for me, but I feel sad. What am I most sad about?”

Remember, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18 NIV Allow God to comfort you and to be close to you when you need Him.

And yes, take it to a good therapist too.

Therapy can help you identify and label your feelings as well as uncover patterns, wounds, trauma bonds, attachment issues, or self-worth struggles that may have made the relationship harder to leave and harder to heal from.

Prayer and therapy don’t have to compete. You can love Jesus and still need support.

3. Meditate on God’s Word

When your mind keeps replaying old memories, you need truth to replay too.

That doesn’t mean you slap a Bible verse over a broken heart and pretend everything’s fine. It means you start giving your mind something stronger than the lies that keep trying to settle in.

Because heartbreak can make you believe things that aren’t true.

• “He left because I wasn’t enough.”
• “If I had been prettier, softer, quieter, more patient, or more supportive, he would’ve chosen me.”
• “I wasted my best years.”
• “Nobody else will want me.”

Those thoughts need to be confronted with truth.

Find Bible verses that speak directly to the thoughts keeping you stuck.

Bible verses about God attending to you.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3 NIV

Bible verses about my worth in Christ

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works…” — Ephesians 2:10 NIV

Bible verses about letting go

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” — Isaiah 43:18 NIV

Bible verses about God restoring what was lost

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” — Joel 2:25 NIV

Then don’t just read them once.

Sit with them. Write them down. Pray them. Speak them when your mind starts spiraling. Let God’s Word become louder than the voice of the wound.

4. Throw Out Your Timetable

Healing doesn’t look the same for everyone.

Maybe your friend can dump a guy on Monday and be on a date with someone new by Friday.

That may not be you, and that’s okay.

• You don’t have to rush just because someone else seems to move on faster.
• You don’t have to be embarrassed because you’re still healing months later.
• You don’t have to pretend you’re fine because people are tired of hearing about it.

Healing can take time, especially when you invested deeply, hoped sincerely, and stayed longer than you now wish you had.

But taking time to heal isn’t the same as staying stuck.

You don’t have to heal all at once. You just have to keep walking with God through the healing.

You’re Not Crazy. You’re Grieving.

So if you can’t stop thinking about him, even though you know he’s no good for you, it doesn’t automatically mean you want him back.

It may mean your heart is grieving the loss of what you gave, what you hoped for, and who you thought he could become.

• Missing him doesn’t mean he was good for you.
• Thinking about him doesn’t mean God is telling you to reach out.
• Having a sad day doesn’t mean you haven’t healed at all.

It means you’re human.

And with God’s help, you can heal without running back to what almost broke you.

You can honor the fact that your love was real without pretending the relationship was right.

And one day, you’ll realize you didn’t think about him when your phone rang.

You didn’t wonder what he was doing, and you didn’t compare yourself to the woman after you.

Not because you forced yourself to stop caring overnight, but because God slowly helped you gather all the pieces you left in that drawer and place them back where they belong.

In His hands.

And eventually, back in yours until you meet the right person.

If this spoke to you, share it with another single woman who’s trying to heal from someone she knows wasn’t good for her. And if you’re still in the thick of it, don’t rush yourself, but don’t go backward either. Take the next honest step with God today.