Have you ever seen those TV episodes that open up in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? Usually, there’s a moment where a person stands up, introduces themselves, and finishes off with their struggle point.
Well if there were such a thing as CAA (i.e., Conflict Avoiders Anonymous), my introduction would probably sound something like this:
Me: Hi, my name is Dee, and I’m a Peace Faker.”
My readers: “Hi Dee.”
Can you relate? Growing up, I was always the one who tried to keep my head down.
If a lie would keep me from having to have a hard conversation, the lie would roll off my tongue faster than you could say “liar, liar, pants on fire!” For as long as I can remember, I couldn’t stand to hear people arguing around me, whether it was my parents, siblings, or friends.
I can even remember several occasions where the moment I thought an argument was coming, I would pick up my things and move to another room! If conflicts were like thunderstorms, I didn’t wait until a lightning strike to get a move on. All I had to see was a “thunder cloud” in the distance — a raised voice, an angry look, a slammed door — to get moving!
I wish I could say that I’ve completely gotten over this…I have not 🙂↕️ As a matter of fact, I’ve recently been struggling with how to approach a friend who did something that took me aback and hurt my feelings. I was worried about how they would react and whether I would look overly sensitive.
There’s a quiet struggle I’ve noticed many single Christian women carry but rarely name out loud: it’s the fear of conflict.
Now of course, several reasons for this come to mind:
But somewhere along the way, without meaning to, keeping the peace became synonymous with silence. And silence became self-abandonment.
Be honest with yourself.
Well, Jesus did not call you to “disappear” or invalidate your feelings for the sake of peace and harmony. Jesus called us to do what He did: walk in truth and love. Don’t believe me? Here are some examples.
Jesus gently exposes the truth about her:
“You have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband.”
He:
Jesus saw through the heart of the matter and addressed him directly:
“Jesus looked at him and loved him.” Then Jesus told him the hard truth: “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor…”
Jesus loved him before He challenged him. The man walked away sad, but Jesus still told him the truth.
When Peter tried to stop Jesus from going to the cross:
Jesus said, “Get behind me, Satan!”
This sounds harsh, but it was loving because:
Then there’s Jesus talking to the woman caught in adultery, John 8:1–11, admonishing Martha when she wanted Him to admonish Mary Luke 10:38–42, telling Nicodemus he must be born again, John 3, or even telling the disciples of the foolishness of their discussion about who was the greatest (Mark 9:33–37).
In each of these situations, Jesus doesn’t stammer, stutter, or lie to avoid hurting people’s feelings or stepping on people’s toes. Instead, He did what we ought to do: speak the truth in love.
So, have the discussion. Confront the one who sinned against/offended you. Stop sweeping things under the rug or bypassing your feelings through spirituality or minimizing. Face it head on!
Jesus doesn't stammer, stutter, or lie to avoid hurting people's feelings or stepping on people's toes. Instead, He did what we ought to do: speak the truth in love. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ.” — Ephesians 4:15
There is a difference between:
“I’ll stay quiet so they’re not uncomfortable.”
“I’ll speak gently so we can grow.”
Sis, Jesus never avoided hard conversations.
And He never apologized for telling people the truth.
Peacekeeping says: “I’ll stay quiet so they're not uncomfortable.” Peacemaking says: “I’ll speak gently so we can grow.” #forsinglewomenonly Share on XMaybe you learned that:
Maybe you grew up in a home where conflict meant yelling, chaos, or worse, abuse, abandonment, rejection, or neglect. Maybe you learned to people-please and overly focus on other people’s feelings (at your own expense). Or maybe you learned in church that a “godly woman” keeps the peace no matter the cost.
But Scripture never tells women to shrink. It doesn’t tell you to become enslaved to people’s perceptions of you.
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” — Proverbs 29:25
Remember,
Jesus models:
As a matter of fact, He teaches you to go directly to one another:
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you…” — Matthew 18:15
Not to gossip, disappear, or build walls. No, the goal is to restore.
Jesus models honesty without cruelty, boundaries without guilt, courage without arrogance, and love without fear. #forsinglewomenonly Share on XAs a single Christian woman, you are allowed to say:
Being loving does not mean being silent.
Being Christlike does not mean being invisible. It means being whole.
What advice would you add for a sister who’s struggling to speak up?
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