Modesty Isn’t About Control: How to Break Free from the Lies You Believed About Your Body and Embrace Truth

Let’s talk about something that has confused a lot of us for years: modesty.

If you grew up in a conservative Christian church, you probably had a long list of rules about what women could and couldn’t wear.

For example, in my church, we were taught that women shouldn’t wear pants. Didn’t matter if they were baggy or not. Pants were for men and you should stick to skirts and dresses.

In other church, there were also rules like no makeup, no jewelry, no hair extensions, no bright lipstick or nail polish. I’m sure some of you read that last sentence and thought, “So basically…no fun allowed.”

Maybe you can relate as the attitude/atmosphere in your church may have been one of restriction and fear — “don’t tempt men/boys,” “cover up everything,” “godly girls don’t do that,” “godly girls don’t wear that,” “if you dress like that, you’ll get raped or worse.”

And if you just happened to naturally be curvy? A little too much junk in the trunk (or front)? The modesty lecture never ended!

Benefit of the Doubt

To be clear, it is very possible that some of the people who shared these types of advice may genuinely have been trying to help. Or maybe they were trying to control your attire out of a misplaced sense of duty/obligation to protect you from men’s eyes or from their misunderstanding of 1 Timothy 2:9.

Then there’s the flip side. Maybe you were raised in a more liberal church (or no church at all), where the only requirement was that your “goodies“ were mostly covered and you had the freedom to wear what made you feel good. And while freedom in Christ is beautiful, sometimes that left you with no real framework for what modesty really means.

Regardless of your church’s intent/motives, many well-meaning/misguided leaders went about it the wrong way.

So many of us were inadvertently taught that our worth or purity was tied directly to our clothing.

And when men messed up, we were made to feel like we were responsible for their stumbling. If only you hadn’t shown that cleavage or displayed your long legs, Bobby wouldn’t have fallen off the purity bandwagon…

So here we are — grown women, still trying to figure it out.

So what is modesty, really?

Let’s start with this: modesty is:

• Not about control
• Not about shame
• Not about hiding your womanhood
• Not about pretending you don’t have curves

So what is modesty about?

It’s about humility.

In the Bible, the Greek word for modesty in 1 Timothy 2:9 is “kosmios,” which means orderly, decent, and well-arranged. It has roots in the word “kosmos,” which means world or universe—literally something set in order. In essence, modesty is about harmony and dignity.

In Hebrew, the concept is similar. The word “tzniut” (often used in Jewish tradition) speaks to modesty as a way of life — marked by humility, discretion, and respect.

The Point of Modesty

Modesty is not primarily about covering—it’s about intention. The Bible calls us to modesty because we’re meant to live lives that reflect humility and draw attention to God, not ourselves (1 Peter 3:3-4). But let’s be clear:

You are not responsible for managing someone else’s sin.

You are not a walking temptation. You’re not responsible for keeping men from lusting. That’s between them and God. But yes, the Bible still calls you to modesty—for your own sake, for your own spiritual grounding, and to help you carry yourself with honor.

Modesty (To A Certain Extent) Is Personal

Modesty will look different for different people. Some wear pants. Some wear dresses. Some like long lashes and gold hoops. That’s okay. This isn’t about creating a new rulebook.

Ask yourself:

• Why am I wearing this?
• Am I trying to draw attention to myself or honor the body God gave me?
• Would I feel comfortable approaching Jesus wearing this?

If the answer to the last question is yes, you’re probably good.

Modesty Doesn’t Mean Matronly

You can dress modestly and still be feminine, attractive, elegant, and yes—stylish. 

You don’t have to hide your beauty or the body God gave you. You don’t have to shrink. You don’t have to disappear under baggy layers.

You are a woman—God made you with curves, with presence, with beauty. Modesty isn’t about denying your womanhood. It’s about reflecting Christ through it.

8 Ways to Dress Modestly and Attractively

1. Elevate with tailoring. Clothes that fit well look polished, even when fully covered.
2. Play with color. Modesty doesn’t mean beige forever. Pay attention to your complexion and undertones. Try jewel tones, pastels, or prints depending on what looks best on you.
3. Layer strategically. Use kimonos, dusters, cropped jackets, or cardigans to add depth without exposure.
4. Focus on fabric. Soft, breathable, quality fabrics (like cotton, linen, silk) feel great and look luxe.
5. Use accessories. Statement earrings, headbands, and dainty jewelry add elegance.
6. Highlight your femininity. Opt for pieces that show your waistline, feature flowy skirts, or flatter your figure respectfully.
7. Clothes check: If when you lean forward you’re at risk of spilling out of your top, and when you bend over you’re at risk of spilling out of your bottom, rethink that outfit. Ask God to help you to choose clothes that look good on you but don’t risk an indecent exposure charge.
8. Invest in shoes. A great pair of shoes upgrades any outfit and adds confidence.
9. Do your hair. Whether natural, braided, or pressed—putting effort into your hair helps you feel put together and confident.

For the Woman Who’s Hiding

Some of you hide your body not because you want to be modest—but because you’re ashamed.

Maybe you were taught that your curves — the weight of your breasts and the curve of your hips/butt — were sinful or your shape drew too much attention. Maybe you were body-shamed growing up.

Can I remind you of a truth we tend to forget? God gave you your body. He called it “very good.” Modesty doesn’t mean hiding who you are—it means honoring who you are.

Your goal isn’t to disappear. Your goal is to reflect Jesus, live confidently, and dress in a way that honors your value.

Let your light shine—not just spiritually, but practically in the way you show up in the world.

Final Word

Other people don’t get to impose their convictions on you. You can respect someone’s modesty standards without adopting them as your own. At the end of the day, you answer to God—and He looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).

Dress with grace. Dress with joy. Dress with confidence. Let the world wonder why you shine—and then tell them about the One who makes you glow.

(Please note that as an Amazon Associate, For Single Women Only earns from qualifying purchases when you click on links on our website. Thank you for supporting our mission! ☺️).

Book Recommendation: Embracing the Body by Tara Owens

Share this with a sister who’s confused about modesty and needs a reminder that she can be stylish, feminine, and faithful all at once. Don’t forget to share your modesty tips below!