I was recently listening to the radio when I heard them interviewing Deborah Smith Pegues, who had released a book called 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue: What You Say (and Don’t Say) Will Improve Your Relationships.
And man, she was hilarious!
She was engaging, sharp, and so easy to listen to that when she mentioned her book was about taming the tongue, I decided to get a copy.
For research purposes, of course. Not because I have a problem controlling my tongue.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I proceeded to read the book in just a couple of days, and she talked about all these different types of “tongues.”
For example, there was the retaliating tongue, complaining tongue, belittling tongue, hasty tongue, gossiping tongue, and so many more. Thirty different types for thirty days.
By the time I finished the book, I was convinced of one thing:
I should probably just shut up for the rest of my life.
Yes. It was that bad.
The Harsh Truth
It’s not that I always do these things or that every word out of my mouth is reckless, harsh, or unwise.
But I could think of various times when I’d said something I shouldn’t have said, used a tone I shouldn’t have used, or wielded my words like throwing daggers.
And sadly, I’ve been blessed with very good aim.
I say that jokingly, but the conviction was real.
Because sometimes the issue isn’t that you don’t know how to speak.
Sometimes the issue is that you know exactly what to say.
- You know the phrase that’ll cut.
- You know the tone that’ll sting.
- You know the comeback that’ll leave somebody quiet.
- You know how to say something “technically true” in a way that’s still completely unloving.
And if you’re honest, there may be times when you don’t just want to communicate. You want to win. You want to punish. You want to make sure the other person feels what you felt.
That’s when your tongue stops being a tool and starts becoming a weapon.
Questions That Need Answers
So let me ask you gently:
Do you need to tame your tongue?
- Not somebody else’s tongue.
- Not your future husband’s tongue.
- Not the woman at church who always has something slick to say.
Your tongue.
The one in your mouth.
The one that can bless, encourage, comfort, pray, worship, and speak life.
But also the one that can criticize, complain, criticize, scold, lie, berate, and tear down.
Singleness is a good time to start paying attention to your patterns.
Because your patterns today don’t magically disappear tomorrow.
- Marriage won’t automatically make you patient.
- Marriage won’t automatically make you gentle.
- Marriage won’t automatically make you slow to speak.
- Marriage won’t automatically make your tone sweeter, your words softer, or your responses wiser.
Sure, during the honeymoon phase your speech may be sweet as apple pie! Yet when the honeymoon period is over, whatever you had been practicing up until then, is what you will carry with you later.
- If you’re practicing sarcasm now, you ‘ll carry sarcasm into marriage.
- If you’re practicing silent treatment now, you’ll carry silent treatment into marriage.
- If you’re practicing verbal jabs now, you’ll carry verbal jabs into marriage.
- If you’re practicing defensiveness now, you’ll carry defensiveness into marriage.
- If you’re practicing gossip now, you’ll carry gossip into your home.
That doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It means you have an opportunity.
What You Need to Remember
You don’t have to wait until you’re married to become the kind of woman who knows how to use her words wisely.
Start now.
The Bible says in Ephesians 5:22–24, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” It also says in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife must respect her husband.”
Now, before you click away because that word submit makes your left eye twitch, stay with me.
This isn’t about pretending you don’t have opinions, letting a man mistreat you, or shrinking, disappearing, or losing your personality.
But it is about recognizing that one of the main ways you can misuse your tongue in marriage is by using it in disrespectful ways.
- You can be honest without being harsh.
- You can disagree without being dishonoring.
- You can express hurt without being hateful.
- You can ask for what you need without attacking his character.
- You can speak truth without turning your words into a sword.
There’s a difference between using your tongue wisely and using it viciously.
A wise tongue pauses before responding.
An unwise tongue reacts immediately and regrets it later.
A wise tongue asks, “Is this helpful?”
An unwise tongue says, “Well, it’s true,” as if truth without love is automatically righteous.
A wise tongue knows when to speak.
An unwise tongue thinks every thought deserves an audience.
A wise tongue builds up.
An unwise tongue tears down and then says “I’m just being real.”
A wise tongue brings correction with humility.
An unwise tongue corrects with contempt or disdain.
A wise tongue knows that tone matters.
An unwise tongue pretends tone is irrelevant as long as the words are accurate.
A wise tongue protects private matters.
An unwise tongue turns frustration into a group chat discussion.
A wise tongue apologizes when it wounds.
An unwise tongue explains, defends, justifies, and blames.
And again, this isn’t just about marriage. This is about
- Your character.
- Your friendships.
- Your family.
- Your ministry.
- Your workplace.
- Your becoming.
Because if you can’t control your tongue when you’re single, what makes you think you’ll automatically control it when you’re tired, stressed, overwhelmed, disappointed, misunderstood, long-married, and sharing a life with another imperfect human being?
And I’m not saying that to scare you. I’m saying that to sober you up.
- Your words matter.
- Your tone matters.
- Your timing matters.
- Your delivery matters.
The things you say when you’re angry, joking, feeling rejected, or don’t get your way matter.
And if you’ve been using your words carelessly, this is a good time to bring that before God.
Ask Him to show you what needs to change, to convict you before the words leave your mouth, to help you pause when your flesh wants to pounce, and to teach you how to speak with wisdom, grace, truth, and restraint.
And yes, practical tools can help too.
Journaling can help you notice patterns.
For example, you may start to realize:
- “I get sarcastic when I feel dismissed.”
- Or, “I complain more when I feel overwhelmed.”
- Or, “I gossip when I’m trying to feel connected.”
- Or, “I become harsh when I’m scared I won’t be heard.”
That kind of honesty is powerful.
Therapy can help too. Sometimes your tongue is reacting out of old wounds, defensiveness, trauma, insecurity, fear, or years of feeling like you had to fight to be understood.
That doesn’t excuse sinful speech, but it can help you understand what’s underneath it so you can heal and grow.
Because taming your tongue isn’t just about biting your tongue.
It’s about asking God to transform your heart.
Truth to Live By
Jesus said in Luke 6:45, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
That means your words reveal something deeper.
- If bitterness is in your heart, it’ll eventually come out of your mouth.
- If pride is in your heart, it’ll eventually come out of your mouth.
- If insecurity is in your heart, it’ll eventually come out of your mouth.
- If anger is in your heart, it’ll eventually come out of your mouth.
But the good news is, if God is healing your heart, that can come out of your mouth too.
Grace. Wisdom. Encouragement. Gentleness. Truth. And love can come out.
You don’t have to be the woman who always has a comeback, wins every verbal fight, or leaves people bleeding.
Instead, you can become the woman whose words are strong and soft, honest and holy, truthful and tender.
You can become the woman who knows when to speak and when to be silent. You can become the woman who doesn’t just have good aim, but godly restraint.
So maybe the goal isn’t to shut up for the rest of your life.
Maybe the goal is to let God teach you when to speak, how to speak, and what needs to be surrendered before you speak.
This week, pay attention to your words. Ask yourself, “Where do I need God to help me tame my tongue?” Then choose one area to work on.