The Friends You Need Around You Before You Start Dating

We’re going to pivot a little bit from our usual topics today.

We talk a lot about dating here, how to recognize red flags, how to maintain standards, how to heal from old wounds, how to discern whether a man is right for you, and how to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship.

But there’s something else you may need to evaluate before you get into a relationship:

Your friendships.

I want you to think about who your friends are and what role they may play in helping you choose wisely when you date.

Because the people closest to you often have a bird’s-eye view of your life that you simply don’t have.

They know your personality.
They know your strengths.
They know your weaknesses.
They know your patterns.

They may know what you tend to overlook, what you tend to excuse, what you tend to romanticize, and what you tend to run away from.

And sometimes, they can see something you can’t.

One Thing to Keep In Mind

One of the lessons that God has been hammering into me is that friendship isn’t just about having someone to hang out with.

I was recently watching a sermon from Dr. Dharius Daniels where he talked about friendship. He shared that relationships are connected to purpose and that the people in your life help shape who you become.

This resonated with me because I recently went to a retreat where a speaker shared that two types of people enter your lives: promise helpers and destiny killers. And you need to know which is which!

While discussing all kinds of relationships, Past. Dharius described people as “purpose partners” because relationships influence not only what you do, but who you become.

That got me thinking.

Some of us treat friendship like it’s simply:

Who do I have fun with?
Who can I call when I’m bored?
Who wants to go to brunch?
Who will travel with me?
Who knows all my business?

But friendship can be so much more than that.

There are people who may be assigned to your life during particular seasons to encourage you, sharpen you, correct you, pray for you, support you, and sometimes even help keep you from making the wrong choice.

And some of us have people around who clearly do not understand the assignment.

There are people who may be assigned to your life to encourage you, sharpen you, correct you, pray for you, support you, and even help keep you from making the wrong choice. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

Question Time

What Does a Good Friend Actually Do?

A good friend builds you up.
A good friend celebrates you without secretly competing with you.
A good friend listens when your heart is broken.
A good friend gives you constructive criticism when you need it.
A good friend shows up when life gets difficult.

Sometimes a good friend lends you an ear or a shoulder. And sometimes she shows up with two guy friends and a truck because you told her you were moving out of your apartment this weekend.

Yes, good friends have practical value. But they also have spiritual value.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Good friends have practical value. But they also have spiritual value. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

Notice that Scripture doesn’t describe friendship as merely keeping you comfortable.

A good friend can sharpen you. And sharpening involves friction.

Sometimes your friend is going to say something you don’t particularly want to hear.

My sister is my closest friend (after God of course 🙃), and sometimes, she tells me things I don’t want to hear. She points out when I’m being defensive, or being sarcastic, or made a good point but had a tone.

While I may not want to be called out at that moment, that “friction” sharpens me and makes me a better sister, daughter, friend, and Christian!

Sometimes a good friend may notice a pattern you haven’t noticed.

Sometimes she may ask the question you were secretly hoping nobody would ask.

And when you’re dating, that can be incredibly valuable.

Why does friendship matter?

Because love can mess with your vision. Let’s be real.

You can be an intelligent, discerning, prayerful woman and still become a little…optimistic when you really like somebody. Who am I kidding? Maybe even a LOT optimistic lol.

Suddenly, everything he does has an explanation.

He’s not inconsistent. He’s just busy.
He’s not emotionally unavailable. He’s just been hurt so he’s a little guarded.
He’s not disrespectful. He’s just blunt.
He’s not controlling. He just really cares about you.

And sometimes those explanations may be partially accurate.

Other times?

Girl. You need somebody standing outside the situation who isn’t intoxicated by him or his smile, his car, his house, or his wallet.

When you’re emotionally invested in someone, it can become harder to evaluate him objectively. That’s one reason wise counsel matters.

A good friend may notice how he speaks to you.
She may notice that you’re anxious every time his name appears on your phone.
She may notice you’ve stopped doing things you used to enjoy.
She may notice how he treats waiters.
How he talks about his mother.
How he talks about his exes.
How he responds when you disagree.
How much you’ve changed since meeting him.

She may notice that every story you tell about him requires a 12-minute explanation defending something he said or did.

And she may be able to ask:

“Have you really thought hard and long about this?”

Not because she’s trying to break you up.

But because she loves you enough to make sure you’ve thought about what you’re walking into before you walk down the aisle.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 reminds you that two people can help one another succeed and that when one falls, the other can reach out and help.

Sometimes friendship looks like helping you get back up.

Sometimes friendship looks like yelling, “Watch where you’re walking!” before you fall in the first place.

Now I know what you’re thinking: What if my friends aren’t good friends? How do I know who are the Promise Helpers versus the Destiny Killers? Come back tomorrow for part 2!

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