You Keep Calling It “Love,” But It’s Actually Fear

There was a time I was holding on to a guy I really, really liked. Not casually liked. Not “he’s cute” liked. I mean I had never felt this level of chemistry with a man before that I liked!!! EVER!

He was a Christian and he knew his Bible. We would have these long, drawn out discussions on everything from Christianity to the latest movie in theaters.

He went to Bible study, he went to his church’s small group for men, and he regularly talked about God.

The chemistry and witty banter was unreal. The connection felt rare, like a kindred spirit. He felt like a unicorn, someone I might never come across again, so I didn’t want to let him go.

• Were there red flags? …Yes.
• Were there warts? …A few.
• Did I minimize them? Absolutely!

Have you ever considered that what you call "love" isn’t love at all? It's an attachment to someone who keeps you blinded from your fear of loneliness by their words, spirituality, designer clothes, & fancy cologne.… Share on X

Why did I do that? Simple. Because when something feels that intense with a guy, you will literally start telling yourself all kinds of stories so you can hang onto him for fear that you’ll never encounter a connection like that again:

• Nobody’s perfect. At least he’s trying even if he doesn’t do it perfectly.
• When the good times are good, they’re really good! I just need to focus on that rather than the negatives.
• This is just a busy season for him. He’s a business owner, so of course things may come up.
• Love is unconditional. I’ll give him some time, pray, and trust that it’ll get better.
• My (insert relative’s name here) is also emotionally unavailable. Maybe God is trying to teach me how to love someone like this (& yes, it sounds foolish as I write it down now!).
• Stop being trigger happy! I don’t want to be too quick to walk away. Love is patient after all.

But here’s the moment that changed everything.

I was talking to my sister, laying it all out: my feelings, my confusion, my concerns, my hope. I thought she was going to validate how special this was despite the speed bumps here and there.

Instead, she paused…and asked me one pointed question:

“Is it possible that what you think is a special connection is actually a fear of being alone?”

And then she said something I will never forget:

“From where I’m standing, he’s not the unicorn. You are.”

Is it possible that what you’re calling "love" is actually just your fear of being alone? #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

The Turning Point

Not going to lie; that sentence stopped me dead in my tracks. I had never even considered that perspective.

So I did what I had to do. I pulled back. I sat with myself. I reflected. I did the uncomfortable work of journaling and asking:

What do I actually feel for this man…and what am I so afraid of losing?

And that’s when I had to remind myself of a truth that changes everything:

Love is not a feeling. Love is an action.

Yes, I felt sparks.
Yes, I felt chemistry.
Yes, I felt drawn to him.

But when I looked honestly at our dynamic?

• I was the one giving my time.
• I was the one investing energy.
• I was the one being consistent.
• I was the one keeping my word.
• I was the one checking in.
• I was the one cheering him on.
• I was the one doing the work.

I. I. I. I.

Meanwhile, he always had:

• An excuse.
• An explanation.
• A reason why he couldn’t show up.
• A reason why he didn’t call when he said he would.
• A reason why he wasn’t ready to move forward… yet.

And eventually, I had to face the truth I didn’t want to admit:

What kept me holding on was not love. It was an attachment rooted in a deep fear of being alone.

I stayed past the point where I should have let go, maybe even cut the cord entirely, because the fear of being alone felt scarier than the reality of an inconsistent partner.

So now let me gently turn this back to you.

I stayed past the point where I should have let go, maybe even cut the cord entirely, because the fear of being alone felt scarier than the reality of an inconsistent partner. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

I want you to do an inventory.

Not of him but of you.

Look at your current relationship…or situationship…or friends with benefits arrangement, or whatever you’re calling it.

Ask yourself honestly:

• Are you calling it “love” while doing all the work?
• Are you the one carrying the emotional weight?
• Is he hot and cold, unreliable, or inconsistent?
• Does he fail to keep his word?
• Does he ignore or invalidate your boundaries?
• Does he treat you more like an option or an object rather than a partner?

If so, hear me clearly:

The person you think you’re in love with isn’t real. That “love” you feel is a mirage. A facade. It’s a version of him that exists only in your hope and dreams. And sis, you deserve better than loving a ghost!

Jesus did not die on the cross so you could go and kill yourself for a man who isn’t even willing to show up for you!

All that energy you’re pouring into him, such as your patience, your nurturing, your loyalty, and your grace, are qualities you’d be far better off turning back toward yourself and working on growing your relationship with God.

As a daughter of God, you were never meant to shrink your standards just to keep someone around. You were never meant to beg for consistency. You were never meant to respond to his neglect with “understanding” or his inconsistency with boatloads of never-ending “grace.”

Jesus did not die on the cross so you could go and kill yourself for a man who isn't even willing to show up for you! #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

Don’t let a fear of being alone keep you tied to deadweight.

And if you realize you’ve been loving someone that doesn’t actually exist? Have the courage to walk away. You’re not losing love. You’re shedding fear of being alone by recognizing that as a daughter of the king, you are never alone. Jesus is always with you. And He loves you deeply.

And that kind of freedom? That’s where real love begins.

Take time this week to sit with yourself and write down what you receive versus what you give in your current relationship or situationship. If it’s one-sided, don’t ignore that truth. Share this post with a friend who needs it—or come back and reflect again when you’re ready.

If you realize you’ve been loving someone that doesn’t actually exist, have the courage to walk away. You’re not losing love. You’re recognizing that as a daughter of the king, you are never alone. #forsinglewomenonly Share on X

You don’t have to choose fear. Choose better. Choose Jesus and choose loving yourself.

#forsinglewomenonly