Feel Unlovable? The Truth You Need to Hear Now

How many dates/boyfriends have you had? Or even better, have you ever been engaged (even if you eventually broke things off)? What if I told you to imagine someone who graduated high school and college without ever having experienced either of those things?

No need to imagine it. That girl was, is, me.

I watched friend after friend after friend date, become ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend,’ get engaged, get married, get divorced, get remarried…and still, nothing happened for me.

Now as I’ve explained in other blog posts, I grew up very sheltered, wasn’t allowed to date in high school, and was painfully shy/socially awkward (so that definitely didn’t help!). But my takeaway message as a young woman wasn’t that there were external reasons for why I just hadn’t dated much (or at all). No, my lovely brain told me:

• You’re ugly
• You’re too skinny
• You’re too tall
• Your skin is too dark
• Who would ever want you?

By the time I actually started to date, I watched potential relationship after potential relationship crash and burn! From the guy who openly wondered if I ever felt I was nearing my “expiration” date to the guy who eventually revealed that he was talking to someone else.

The older I got with no (real) prospects in sight, the more I started to believe the lie: you’re not lovable. Heck, you’re barely even likable!

Lies We Believe

Have you ever felt this way? I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and feel…invisible. Your clothes don’t feel right. No matter what you do — hair extensions, nails, facials, full body makeover, and the like — every other woman in the room appears to be glowing, yet you’re just kind of existing in the shadows.

• I know what it’s like to sit on the edge of your bed before a date and wonder “Will he actually show up?”
• I know what it’s like to feel like your pictures “never come out right” so you find unique ways to avoid cameras or shrink in group photos.
• I know what it’s like to try on a dress and feel depressed because it didn’t look on you as good as it did on the mannequin.
• I know what it’s like to wish certain body parts were bigger or smaller and wonder if that affects the way men see you or their willingness to date you.

And I especially know the sting of comparison. When you’re scrolling through your social media and see someone else with the type of man you prayed for, the body you thought you’d have by now, the gorgeous mane of hair, or the sun-kissed, smooth skin that looks like it’s been filtered by heaven. That pain is real.

But let me tell you something I had to learn the hard way: the devil is a liar and shame is one of his favorite weapons.

The devil whispers, “You’ll never be enough.” But God says, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)

The devil says, “No one will love you like this.” But God says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” (Jeremiah 31:3)

The devil says, “Your beauty doesn’t measure up.” But God says, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” (Song of Solomon 4:7)

Divorcing The Lies

Sis, WAKE UP! You’re in a nightmare of the devil’s making. How do I know? Because the devil’s tricks are the same.

The devil shovels lies into your mind one by one; and if you don’t know the truth found in God’s word, you will believe the lies every time.

If you feel unlovable, this is a sign that you have work to do! It’s time for you to memorize scriptures that you can use to combat each arrow the devil throws your way about your worth or value. And going to see a therapist can help you to unpack childhood traumas that may have led to the core negative beliefs you have that underlie and still fuel your low self esteem. Don’t be afraid to do the work because your healing and freedom are on the other side…

The devil is a liar and shame is one of his favorite weapons. Share on X

Here what you need to remember: 

Your worth, value, or lovability is not in your weight. Not in your waistline. Not in your skin. Not in your hair texture, eye shape, nose size, or bust-to-hip ratio. Not in whether you have 3a hair or 4c hair. Not in whether you have a pear-shaped figure or an apple-shaped figure. Not in if you’re porcelain complexioned or mahogany complexioned.

Your worth and value is NOT found in external factors or traits. Your worth and value is inherent and anchored in the unshakable truth that you were created by the King of Kings and made in His image (Genesis 1:27).

The Danger of External Validation

Psychologically, when you tie your value to how others perceive you — whether it’s compliments, likes, attention, or validation — you give other people the power to build or break you.

Remember that guy who made you feel like a million bucks? What happened when he dumped, ghosted, verbally abused, or later replaced you? Just as quickly as you went up, you went down, down, down. That’s dangerous.

Psychologically, when you tie your value to how others perceive you — whether it’s compliments, likes, attention, or validation — you give other people the power to build or break you. Share on X

Why is it dangerous to give that power to other people (even a potential partner)? Because people are fickle. Trends change. Beauty standards shift. And no amount of makeup, hair extensions, or Spanx/Skims can heal a heart that doesn’t believe it’s worthy. Only Jesus can do that.

Your self-view sets the tone for everything. When you believe you are beloved and beautiful in Christ, your confidence rises. You learn to see through fluff and walk away sooner, with your dignity and self-respect in tact. That confidence is magnetic — it changes how others see you and how you allow them to treat you.

No amount of makeup, hair extensions, or Spanx/Skims can heal a heart that doesn’t believe it’s worthy. Only Jesus can do that. Share on X

3 Ways to Practice Self-Love and Godly Confidence:

1. Speak Truth to Yourself Daily.
   • Write verses on sticky notes and put them on your mirror. Recite Psalm 139:14, Song of Solomon 4:7, and Ephesians 2:10 like your life depends on it—because your spirit does.
2. Invest in Yourself.
   • Buy the dress. Get the facial. Book the solo brunch. You don’t need to wait for a boyfriend, husband, or a special occasion to treat yourself like royalty. While single, your husband is Jesus, the King of Kings. That makes you a Queen, sis. 😉
3. Schedule Self-Care Sabbaths.
   • Once a week, do something that feeds your soul — whether it’s a walk in nature, a long bath, journaling, getting a massage, attending a food and wine festival, or trying something new. Show your body and soul that they are worth caring for.

Sis, you’re not frumpy. You’re not too much or not enough. You are His. And that makes you priceless.

Book Recommendation: You Are the Girl for the Job by Jess Connolly. What I love about this book is that it does a very good job of cutting to the heart of the matter of why you doubt you are who God says you are. If you struggle with insecurities, comparisons, or doubt, you want to get this book!

What would you say to a sister that needs to be reminded that she is still deeply, wildly loved—just as she is?